Friday, November 24, 2006
Calling all fellow bloggers
Hello to all my friends and family I have out there in blogger land! I have a favor...please send me the addresses to your blogs...since I am in Texas and don't have access to my computer I need your addresses so I can keep up on what is going on! Thanks, Shan
Friday, November 03, 2006
New News
Hey All
Just thought I would let everyone know. Lane goes in for a port replacement in Amarillo on Monday. It isn't anything to serious but it is something that has to be done. Because at this juncture I cannot factor him so it becomes very very scary! Just thought I would let you all know. Love and hugs. Shannon
Just thought I would let everyone know. Lane goes in for a port replacement in Amarillo on Monday. It isn't anything to serious but it is something that has to be done. Because at this juncture I cannot factor him so it becomes very very scary! Just thought I would let you all know. Love and hugs. Shannon
Friday, October 27, 2006
Nothing new
Just thought I would let anyone one who is left to read this that I have nothing left to report...nothing is new nothing has changed and life still sucks!!!!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Not much to report
Well I wished I had more to say or report that things have changed a lot but they really haven't since the last time I posted. We are still saving money and still trying to find a place that is big enough and affordable enough. We are really needing our own space. Not that Anna hasn't been great, because she has...she is awesome...just the kids are starting to unnerve one another and we need our own place to sleep. During the week on the chair and couch isn't cutting it. I finally have him home every night and now we sleep apart! Just blows butt yano!
The kids seem to be liking school...they get a little irritated with their cousin who has been going to the school non stop since Kinder.....and she has to tell them everything over and over and over...but other than that things are good. Zach moved up a whole level in his reading and they are both in the band which I love! Music has always been a passion of mine and I pray it goes on to them.
Well, I don't have much time today as usual. I pray all goes well and I can get back online like I like and no more dial up! Talk to you all soon! hugs loves and stuff! Shan
The kids seem to be liking school...they get a little irritated with their cousin who has been going to the school non stop since Kinder.....and she has to tell them everything over and over and over...but other than that things are good. Zach moved up a whole level in his reading and they are both in the band which I love! Music has always been a passion of mine and I pray it goes on to them.
Well, I don't have much time today as usual. I pray all goes well and I can get back online like I like and no more dial up! Talk to you all soon! hugs loves and stuff! Shan
Saturday, September 23, 2006
American Idiot!
Speaks for itself!
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Well that's enough to argue.
Well maybe I'm the faggot America.
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Well that's enough to argue.
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information nation of hysteria.
It's going out to idiot America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Friday, September 08, 2006
HA
The big 3-0 came and went without much of a bang!
I want to thank my ATW friends and YaYa sisters for all the well wishes and ecards. You all are the only ones that remembered!!!
I didnt get any calls from my family...except my aunt!!!! WOW what a day!!! Anyways I won't get into it right now because it is pointless!!!! Thanks y'all!!!!!! Shanny!
I want to thank my ATW friends and YaYa sisters for all the well wishes and ecards. You all are the only ones that remembered!!!
I didnt get any calls from my family...except my aunt!!!! WOW what a day!!! Anyways I won't get into it right now because it is pointless!!!! Thanks y'all!!!!!! Shanny!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
What the hell is wrong with people?
OK as you all know I am surrounded by idiots...all around me I have idiots living close by. People whom, some I believe have a good heart they are just not so smart, and others who are just former drug addicts that still live their lives with the white trash ideas of life and a few that are just general assholes.
OK I have bitched and moaned about the neighbors dogs....it isn't a secret that I have shot at them with a BEBE gun when they were taking a crap in my yard. I shot one when he was trying to hump my dog.....ON MY FRONT PORCH......I am not above shooting in the general direction of my own dog to get it to stop doing something because that freaking maroon won't listen to me!!!! And we all know how the neighbor lady spoke to me about keeping my dog in my yard because she was causing problems at her house....because he dogs shitting on my kids bikes, pissing on my tires and knocking up my dog on my porch was A OK in her book!!!!! And how I spoke to the idiot about the flea problem that we have in our neighborhood and how I had just dosed up my dogs with meds and crap on them so they didn't bring them into the house and had my son come running home the next day telling me that that woman was giving my dog a bath....IDIOT....who the hell gives another persons dog a bath?
Then this morning....I take the kids to the bus stop because it looks like it is going to rain. BEFORE I took the kids over there...I put the newest dog out on the chain and she has a tree and a dog house to get into and away from the rain. The kids get one the bus and I go to the store to get some ciggs. I come home to the dog on the porch SOAKING wet!!!! I think that bitch dog she broke the chain or her colar....NOPE......nice neighbor lady whom has asked me to keep THIS SAME DOG over in my yard come over and let her off the chain because she was getting wet...HELLO she has a huge tree to hide under PLUS a dog house...if she is too stupid to get in the dog house well that is her own damn fault!!!!! I tell the lady to NEVER do that again...well the dog was whinning...so fucking what......she wasn't hurting anyone.....the dog chases cars and goes into other peoples yards, why would I allow her to run around? I could have very well came home to a dead dog, and would have had to explain to my son why his dog whom we left tied up was dead!!!!! She is to dense to get that I am trying to say stay the hell away!!!! I finally had to get rude with her...she touches them again and I am gonna have to blow a gasket.....I dont know what I can do about this. I am not going to call the cops....there is way more that needs their attention then the neighbor lady messing with my dogs!!!! SO I put back up the no tresspassing signs all over the house. And explained to dumbass next door that that means DO NOT STEP on my property!!!
Am I wrong?
OK I have bitched and moaned about the neighbors dogs....it isn't a secret that I have shot at them with a BEBE gun when they were taking a crap in my yard. I shot one when he was trying to hump my dog.....ON MY FRONT PORCH......I am not above shooting in the general direction of my own dog to get it to stop doing something because that freaking maroon won't listen to me!!!! And we all know how the neighbor lady spoke to me about keeping my dog in my yard because she was causing problems at her house....because he dogs shitting on my kids bikes, pissing on my tires and knocking up my dog on my porch was A OK in her book!!!!! And how I spoke to the idiot about the flea problem that we have in our neighborhood and how I had just dosed up my dogs with meds and crap on them so they didn't bring them into the house and had my son come running home the next day telling me that that woman was giving my dog a bath....IDIOT....who the hell gives another persons dog a bath?
Then this morning....I take the kids to the bus stop because it looks like it is going to rain. BEFORE I took the kids over there...I put the newest dog out on the chain and she has a tree and a dog house to get into and away from the rain. The kids get one the bus and I go to the store to get some ciggs. I come home to the dog on the porch SOAKING wet!!!! I think that bitch dog she broke the chain or her colar....NOPE......nice neighbor lady whom has asked me to keep THIS SAME DOG over in my yard come over and let her off the chain because she was getting wet...HELLO she has a huge tree to hide under PLUS a dog house...if she is too stupid to get in the dog house well that is her own damn fault!!!!! I tell the lady to NEVER do that again...well the dog was whinning...so fucking what......she wasn't hurting anyone.....the dog chases cars and goes into other peoples yards, why would I allow her to run around? I could have very well came home to a dead dog, and would have had to explain to my son why his dog whom we left tied up was dead!!!!! She is to dense to get that I am trying to say stay the hell away!!!! I finally had to get rude with her...she touches them again and I am gonna have to blow a gasket.....I dont know what I can do about this. I am not going to call the cops....there is way more that needs their attention then the neighbor lady messing with my dogs!!!! SO I put back up the no tresspassing signs all over the house. And explained to dumbass next door that that means DO NOT STEP on my property!!!
Am I wrong?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Something to think about.....
I was writting an email to a friend today and I wanted to share this expereience...so if it starts out as if I missed some of it it is because you did!!!!!
Kids are doing good...I did have an expereince with the school today that bothered me and I did question the authority at the school and he looked dumbfounded. I had to take Shelby different shoes because her strap had broken on hers....you can only get in one door and out one door right though the office. I stated what I was there for and the principal said he would take her shoes to her, I said no I would like too...he escorted me to the class room. As we were walking down the hall I made a wise ass crack about it feeling as if I was being escorted to see a prisoner. He didn't laugh. I didn't expect him too and I should not have said it out loud, noting that the older I get the more I forget to just say that stuff in my head not out loud, anyway...I get to the classroom and he stands there and listens to our conversation and escorts me back to the front door. As we get to the front door, I said I have a couple of questions for you since I entrust you with my future every day. And he smiled and said sure. I said well why such the security when a parent wants to walk to their childs classroom. Yes I did get that look...like where the hell have you been living? He said well to make sure parents aren't passing weapons to their children. My mouth dropped and I said there has got to be different reasons than that. I mean this school only goes to 6th grade. I can maybe see that in a high school, which just proves the state of paranoia this country has hit, but elementry school, and I was walking to the special education classroom? He said there are terrorists everywhere and we have to make sure that parents aren't training their children how to be terrorists!!!! I was shocked!!! I didn't know what to say. Other than the next opening mouth inserting foot remark, when I went off on a predominatly (SP) white school that has NO history of violence having their students and parents treated as suspects. I didn't think it was right and that it just shows how the goverment has deluded peoples brains. Yeah well that went over like a turd in a punch bowl. I find it sad and alarming that the authority of this school believes he is keeping these children in podunk OK safe from terrorists. I so bad wanted to say STOP watching CNN in your office all day and get out and pay attention to this school! But I decided that my comments had made enough of an impact for one day and so now I have sat here all day waiting for the jake boots of the town to come and talk to me. Not that I am important, but I have seen how just saying something puts you on a suspicious list!!!!
OK So I am done rambling....this is my state of the day address! LOL Really it did bother me when I was talking to a group of other mothers today about it from all over the country and they were all oh wow that is has been going on at our schools for years, it is no big deal they are just keeping our children safe!!! I said what happens when the next attack occurs and you can't get your children out of the locked down school? I believe this is when I lost them!!!! People are such idiots!!!!!! It is like they are all standing in line with their hands waving in the air yelling pick me pick me!
Hasta! Shan
Kids are doing good...I did have an expereince with the school today that bothered me and I did question the authority at the school and he looked dumbfounded. I had to take Shelby different shoes because her strap had broken on hers....you can only get in one door and out one door right though the office. I stated what I was there for and the principal said he would take her shoes to her, I said no I would like too...he escorted me to the class room. As we were walking down the hall I made a wise ass crack about it feeling as if I was being escorted to see a prisoner. He didn't laugh. I didn't expect him too and I should not have said it out loud, noting that the older I get the more I forget to just say that stuff in my head not out loud, anyway...I get to the classroom and he stands there and listens to our conversation and escorts me back to the front door. As we get to the front door, I said I have a couple of questions for you since I entrust you with my future every day. And he smiled and said sure. I said well why such the security when a parent wants to walk to their childs classroom. Yes I did get that look...like where the hell have you been living? He said well to make sure parents aren't passing weapons to their children. My mouth dropped and I said there has got to be different reasons than that. I mean this school only goes to 6th grade. I can maybe see that in a high school, which just proves the state of paranoia this country has hit, but elementry school, and I was walking to the special education classroom? He said there are terrorists everywhere and we have to make sure that parents aren't training their children how to be terrorists!!!! I was shocked!!! I didn't know what to say. Other than the next opening mouth inserting foot remark, when I went off on a predominatly (SP) white school that has NO history of violence having their students and parents treated as suspects. I didn't think it was right and that it just shows how the goverment has deluded peoples brains. Yeah well that went over like a turd in a punch bowl. I find it sad and alarming that the authority of this school believes he is keeping these children in podunk OK safe from terrorists. I so bad wanted to say STOP watching CNN in your office all day and get out and pay attention to this school! But I decided that my comments had made enough of an impact for one day and so now I have sat here all day waiting for the jake boots of the town to come and talk to me. Not that I am important, but I have seen how just saying something puts you on a suspicious list!!!!
OK So I am done rambling....this is my state of the day address! LOL Really it did bother me when I was talking to a group of other mothers today about it from all over the country and they were all oh wow that is has been going on at our schools for years, it is no big deal they are just keeping our children safe!!! I said what happens when the next attack occurs and you can't get your children out of the locked down school? I believe this is when I lost them!!!! People are such idiots!!!!!! It is like they are all standing in line with their hands waving in the air yelling pick me pick me!
Hasta! Shan
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Yes I know
OK yes I know I have been a shit and I haven't posted anything new in a long time! Guess I am taking after my sister!!! HINT HINT!!!!
Anyways
School is a week away from starting YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!
And yes I changed the background of this one again.....I like this one it is funky! Listen I am changing a lot of things.....I will elaborate soon!!!
Shan
Anyways
School is a week away from starting YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!
And yes I changed the background of this one again.....I like this one it is funky! Listen I am changing a lot of things.....I will elaborate soon!!!
Shan
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
OK OK OK
Friends and family! I know I have had some requests to see pics of Green Bay....well here is a link to the good stuff.....this is off ATW and I gotta say thanks Kelly for putting together something so beautiful!!!! Shan
http://atruckerswife.com/convention/2006.asp
Here are pics of the truck show
http://www.titletowntruckersshowdown.org/
I cannot wait till next year!!!!! I fell head of heals in Love with Green Bay and more admiration for these woman than I ever thought I could have! Miss Y'all Love yas! Shan
http://atruckerswife.com/convention/2006.asp
Here are pics of the truck show
http://www.titletowntruckersshowdown.org/
I cannot wait till next year!!!!! I fell head of heals in Love with Green Bay and more admiration for these woman than I ever thought I could have! Miss Y'all Love yas! Shan
Friday, July 14, 2006
There is a certain sacrafices you make in a marriage! I think anyone who has been in a relationship knows this.
BUT what happens when one is the giver and the other is the taker? Then the shoe is on the other foot for a moment? Let me tell you what happenes.....The "taker" becomes the "giver" and they tend to expect SO much thanks and praise from the "giver"! When the giver is the one who feels after YEARS and YEARS of giving that one thing can be taken!
Then BOOM it all blows up in the givers face!!!! They all of the sudden become this horrid person! Shit hits the fan and what the giver is expected to deal with on a daily basis is all of the sudden given to someone else. And those other peoples can't handle it!
I Had the time of my life in Green Bay and NOTHING and I mean not one fucking thing will ever take those days away from me! Others on the other hand would love to make me feel like the worlds worst wife and mother for not being around for a while!
Where did I sign up for this? There are other moms that are NEVER around....they work they do things, but when I take 3 days to myself...just to be me....I am a fucking loser!!!! I can't take this...and I won't!
I TOOK a break.....for years I have not had a break...and it was expected of me to do certain things before my break....all was taken care of....at least that is what I thought.....Shit I was wrong.
Zach ended up with a joint bleed that is just awful.....he has to use crutches....Lane has the shittiest attitude that he has ever had, and Shelby, well she is just Shelby!
DJ well apparently he has been sacraficing for me for weeks now. I wasn't aware of any of this.,...he is pissed at me for having to do it! I didn't fuckin know! How was I suppose to know....I stocked his truck and made sure he had all his shit, but I didn't thank him for his sacrafice!
Can you believe that I didn't thank him! Well dear what about all the fucking sacrafices I have made for you! And yano what he said...well what are you sacraficing now? You gotta be kiddin me? I can home early sacraficed one day of freedom and fun to be home with him! HIM to be with HIM! To get my kids a day early because I was feeling guilty for what had happened while I was gone...and what thanks did I fucking get? I didn't!!!!!!!
But to mention that....shit...I am just being a bitch!
I can say this...I am so tried of being the bitch! I am tired of having a thought and being the bitch always.....I am tired of being me and having so many people love me for me, then having to be what he expects of me. And if I say that it is OMG no way I never said that...no you imply it with your words and actions. NO he didn't tell me I couldn't go and yes had it not been for him I wouldn't have been there...I do believe I have publicly made that known. Did I know he was sacraficing? Hell no...OMG he didn't get to eat as much this last week...dont' think that was a sacrafice...he uses his illness as an excuse...granted he needs to eat to deal with his blood sugar, but not like he does....there are many other ways for him to take care of himself...he had to smoke nasty ciggs...well manage your money better!!!! I had less than he did and I am taken care of and PAID BILLS!!!!!! BUT I don't fucking sacrafice!
I say OK well there is this charge on our account....and yes I will admit I was a bitch about it....only because three weeks ago I got my child support check and took MY kids out to eat....and his mom went...I didn't pay for it....I paid for ours!!!! THAT IS IT!!! Well there is a charge to some place in Shawnee and I said where is the Sunrise? He says I don't know I said well you should you spent money there....then he tells me.....then says I am accusing him of something and how dare I say a word to him about going out to eat because I did it! Yeah and I paid for my own!!! And he neglected to tell me...which he is so fucking big on ME Telling him everything I do! Got pissy with me when I went to lunch with his mom...and paid for my own and NOT with his money! I did apologize for how I brought it up! But to get him to understand why I did it that way...well I am always suppose to be the bigger person!!!! WHY Why do I have to be the bigger person!
I can get my fucking heart ripped out and stomped on BUT you better be the bigger person Shannon!!!!! I can get lied to and yelled at and told to fuck off and go to hell.....but I defend myself....no fucking way....you can't! I am falling apart here...and when I say something I am the bitch...he is always vindicated and I am just wrong!!!! How dare I question anything, well hello we are talking about his mom here....OK granted he hasn't done anything "women" wise that she has wanted him to do that I know of, but there are other things that bug me just the same! But how dare I say anything!!!
BUT what happens when one is the giver and the other is the taker? Then the shoe is on the other foot for a moment? Let me tell you what happenes.....The "taker" becomes the "giver" and they tend to expect SO much thanks and praise from the "giver"! When the giver is the one who feels after YEARS and YEARS of giving that one thing can be taken!
Then BOOM it all blows up in the givers face!!!! They all of the sudden become this horrid person! Shit hits the fan and what the giver is expected to deal with on a daily basis is all of the sudden given to someone else. And those other peoples can't handle it!
I Had the time of my life in Green Bay and NOTHING and I mean not one fucking thing will ever take those days away from me! Others on the other hand would love to make me feel like the worlds worst wife and mother for not being around for a while!
Where did I sign up for this? There are other moms that are NEVER around....they work they do things, but when I take 3 days to myself...just to be me....I am a fucking loser!!!! I can't take this...and I won't!
I TOOK a break.....for years I have not had a break...and it was expected of me to do certain things before my break....all was taken care of....at least that is what I thought.....Shit I was wrong.
Zach ended up with a joint bleed that is just awful.....he has to use crutches....Lane has the shittiest attitude that he has ever had, and Shelby, well she is just Shelby!
DJ well apparently he has been sacraficing for me for weeks now. I wasn't aware of any of this.,...he is pissed at me for having to do it! I didn't fuckin know! How was I suppose to know....I stocked his truck and made sure he had all his shit, but I didn't thank him for his sacrafice!
Can you believe that I didn't thank him! Well dear what about all the fucking sacrafices I have made for you! And yano what he said...well what are you sacraficing now? You gotta be kiddin me? I can home early sacraficed one day of freedom and fun to be home with him! HIM to be with HIM! To get my kids a day early because I was feeling guilty for what had happened while I was gone...and what thanks did I fucking get? I didn't!!!!!!!
But to mention that....shit...I am just being a bitch!
I can say this...I am so tried of being the bitch! I am tired of having a thought and being the bitch always.....I am tired of being me and having so many people love me for me, then having to be what he expects of me. And if I say that it is OMG no way I never said that...no you imply it with your words and actions. NO he didn't tell me I couldn't go and yes had it not been for him I wouldn't have been there...I do believe I have publicly made that known. Did I know he was sacraficing? Hell no...OMG he didn't get to eat as much this last week...dont' think that was a sacrafice...he uses his illness as an excuse...granted he needs to eat to deal with his blood sugar, but not like he does....there are many other ways for him to take care of himself...he had to smoke nasty ciggs...well manage your money better!!!! I had less than he did and I am taken care of and PAID BILLS!!!!!! BUT I don't fucking sacrafice!
I say OK well there is this charge on our account....and yes I will admit I was a bitch about it....only because three weeks ago I got my child support check and took MY kids out to eat....and his mom went...I didn't pay for it....I paid for ours!!!! THAT IS IT!!! Well there is a charge to some place in Shawnee and I said where is the Sunrise? He says I don't know I said well you should you spent money there....then he tells me.....then says I am accusing him of something and how dare I say a word to him about going out to eat because I did it! Yeah and I paid for my own!!! And he neglected to tell me...which he is so fucking big on ME Telling him everything I do! Got pissy with me when I went to lunch with his mom...and paid for my own and NOT with his money! I did apologize for how I brought it up! But to get him to understand why I did it that way...well I am always suppose to be the bigger person!!!! WHY Why do I have to be the bigger person!
I can get my fucking heart ripped out and stomped on BUT you better be the bigger person Shannon!!!!! I can get lied to and yelled at and told to fuck off and go to hell.....but I defend myself....no fucking way....you can't! I am falling apart here...and when I say something I am the bitch...he is always vindicated and I am just wrong!!!! How dare I question anything, well hello we are talking about his mom here....OK granted he hasn't done anything "women" wise that she has wanted him to do that I know of, but there are other things that bug me just the same! But how dare I say anything!!!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Sunday, July 02, 2006
My Week
Here are some pics of my week on the road! We didn't go far so I didn't get many good ones!
This one was taken in KS right after we unloaded......yes I am sorry to say it was a woman driver! And I hate to say it, but I don't think she knew what the heck she was doing...there was plenty of room she just didn't swing it out far enough!
Joplin MO! This is where the Trick My Truck is shot at!
Big ole planes!! Ft Sill OK! 
Some lake in Arkansas!!!
I can't remember what sort of church this is but it is right off the Interstate in Little Rock and I thought it was beautiful!
Entrance to down town Little Rock! 
This is a lumber mill we picked up at in Leloa Ar!
Yes you are seeing that right...it is a boat on the side of the road! What I wasn't able to get was the SUV that it smashed into!!!!
Houston Texas
Here is DJ on top of the load.....
This one was taken in KS right after we unloaded......yes I am sorry to say it was a woman driver! And I hate to say it, but I don't think she knew what the heck she was doing...there was plenty of room she just didn't swing it out far enough!
Joplin MO! This is where the Trick My Truck is shot at!
I am not sure if you can actually see this one well or not, but on the truck trailer sitting in the field on I-44 in Oklahoma it says "speed trap ahead"!
Big ole planes!! Ft Sill OK! 
Some lake in Arkansas!!!
I can't remember what sort of church this is but it is right off the Interstate in Little Rock and I thought it was beautiful!
Entrance to down town Little Rock! 
This is a lumber mill we picked up at in Leloa Ar!
Yes you are seeing that right...it is a boat on the side of the road! What I wasn't able to get was the SUV that it smashed into!!!!Houston Texas
Here is DJ on top of the load.....
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Where do I belong?
Do you ever feel like no matter where you go or what you do or where you are or what you have become (yes I realize I repeated myself) you just don't belong?
You feel like you give something your all and you love something or someone so much, and you get nothing in return?
I felt at one time that there was a place I belonged and was accepted and was needed...sadly I realized that isn't the case...there or not it doesn't matter....honestly I didn't make the impact I thought I would or did.
I went back "home" this weekend, and it is so true, you can't go home again....they say around there nothing changes, that is BS! Everything changes....
And this isn't just about going back home this is about a fork in the road of life for me...what to do where to go what to be who to be all of that. Most people smarten up and do this in their early 20's! I was busy being a full time Mom then...I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to be....
I am gonna hit 30 soon, and my kids are getting old enough that I am not needed full time, just when they need me! And that is hard to come to terms with, then I thought well I have this or that...I don't have that either.
It is amazing when you have gotten something in your head the way things are..then something happens and you realize, all of what you put into it Didn't really matter. No one noticed, and worse than that, no one cares.
I asked myself a question yesterday, if I were to go away, would anyone but my family notice? If I dropped off the face of the Earth for a few weeks, would anyone bother to say hey where are you? What happened to you? Where did you go? I can't answer that...because I dont know.
Geeze I just read that and it sounds pathetic.....I guess I am searching for something only I can find, it isn't going to fall into my lap! I have to go out there and get it...but do you really have it? What is tangable? (not sure I spelled that right) What is lasting, where will you be in a year, and will the same people be in it? Does anyone notice you?
NEVER in my life have I felt so unknown than I do right now! Maybe it is because I don't have anyone here...I live in an area I have lived in for a year, and I don't even know my neighbors name! Not from lack of trying. I have knocked on the door a couple of times to say hello.....too busy....isn't like back home where I know everyone and have for years....I dont have family here, not that I would if I went back there either. They are all gone, minus my dad, who doesn't seem to even know where he is much these days.
Depression sucks, I am hoping that being out on the road with DJ will help. Not sure they will but hell it is worth a shot! It is so funny, for years it was me whose phone rang off the hook, and DJ sat by and watched and never said a word. Now it is him! It is strange being on the other side. Maybe that is what I need....humble my ass a little who knows!!!
Seems that I have been though the humbling experience a lot lately. Guess what I am trying to say is.....I dont know! Just random ramblings! Gotta go! S
You feel like you give something your all and you love something or someone so much, and you get nothing in return?
I felt at one time that there was a place I belonged and was accepted and was needed...sadly I realized that isn't the case...there or not it doesn't matter....honestly I didn't make the impact I thought I would or did.
I went back "home" this weekend, and it is so true, you can't go home again....they say around there nothing changes, that is BS! Everything changes....
And this isn't just about going back home this is about a fork in the road of life for me...what to do where to go what to be who to be all of that. Most people smarten up and do this in their early 20's! I was busy being a full time Mom then...I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to be....
I am gonna hit 30 soon, and my kids are getting old enough that I am not needed full time, just when they need me! And that is hard to come to terms with, then I thought well I have this or that...I don't have that either.
It is amazing when you have gotten something in your head the way things are..then something happens and you realize, all of what you put into it Didn't really matter. No one noticed, and worse than that, no one cares.
I asked myself a question yesterday, if I were to go away, would anyone but my family notice? If I dropped off the face of the Earth for a few weeks, would anyone bother to say hey where are you? What happened to you? Where did you go? I can't answer that...because I dont know.
Geeze I just read that and it sounds pathetic.....I guess I am searching for something only I can find, it isn't going to fall into my lap! I have to go out there and get it...but do you really have it? What is tangable? (not sure I spelled that right) What is lasting, where will you be in a year, and will the same people be in it? Does anyone notice you?
NEVER in my life have I felt so unknown than I do right now! Maybe it is because I don't have anyone here...I live in an area I have lived in for a year, and I don't even know my neighbors name! Not from lack of trying. I have knocked on the door a couple of times to say hello.....too busy....isn't like back home where I know everyone and have for years....I dont have family here, not that I would if I went back there either. They are all gone, minus my dad, who doesn't seem to even know where he is much these days.
Depression sucks, I am hoping that being out on the road with DJ will help. Not sure they will but hell it is worth a shot! It is so funny, for years it was me whose phone rang off the hook, and DJ sat by and watched and never said a word. Now it is him! It is strange being on the other side. Maybe that is what I need....humble my ass a little who knows!!!
Seems that I have been though the humbling experience a lot lately. Guess what I am trying to say is.....I dont know! Just random ramblings! Gotta go! S
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Gone
Hey All
Since life if returning to normal I will be gone for a few weeks!
I leave for Texas this weekend come back on sunday leave sunday or monday on the truck with DJ be back Friday or Saturday then off again on the 4th to Green Bay...back from there on the 9th or 10th! Then to Texas to get the kids and back here no later than the 14th!
Y'all have some wonderful weeks! See ya when I get back! Shan
Since life if returning to normal I will be gone for a few weeks!
I leave for Texas this weekend come back on sunday leave sunday or monday on the truck with DJ be back Friday or Saturday then off again on the 4th to Green Bay...back from there on the 9th or 10th! Then to Texas to get the kids and back here no later than the 14th!
Y'all have some wonderful weeks! See ya when I get back! Shan
DISMISSED!!!
OK here it is...
I got the best best best news I have gotten in a year yesterday!
They have dismissed all the charges against me for lack of evidence, because it never happened, and because they dont' have a witness, God rest her soul, and they realized that a charge from 7 years ago by a mentally unstable person was just pure BULLSHIT!!!!!!
I am doing the happy dance! Although now it is time to let her go! My mother and I had this turmoil that always went on between us and it was what kept us going....now I have to learn to live without it. I don't think it will be to hard!
I am however with this happening to me, reminded that she doesn't belong on a pedistal! She belongs in my heart and remembered just for the way she was, Dysfunctional, Alcoholic, Hateful, Unsatisfied with life woman, who was also MY MOTHER! Good or bad she IS my mom! She made me who I am today and yano I like me so Thanks! Good or bad whatever it was I am finally free of it, yet knowing it will always follow me!
Anyways, THANK YOU to everyone who was so wonderful to me though this and kept my spirits up and wouldn't let me quit!
I got the best best best news I have gotten in a year yesterday!
They have dismissed all the charges against me for lack of evidence, because it never happened, and because they dont' have a witness, God rest her soul, and they realized that a charge from 7 years ago by a mentally unstable person was just pure BULLSHIT!!!!!!
I am doing the happy dance! Although now it is time to let her go! My mother and I had this turmoil that always went on between us and it was what kept us going....now I have to learn to live without it. I don't think it will be to hard!
I am however with this happening to me, reminded that she doesn't belong on a pedistal! She belongs in my heart and remembered just for the way she was, Dysfunctional, Alcoholic, Hateful, Unsatisfied with life woman, who was also MY MOTHER! Good or bad she IS my mom! She made me who I am today and yano I like me so Thanks! Good or bad whatever it was I am finally free of it, yet knowing it will always follow me!
Anyways, THANK YOU to everyone who was so wonderful to me though this and kept my spirits up and wouldn't let me quit!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Got Tagged by Jenny Joe
I AM: at a loss to what to put here...been a while since I thought of an I am!
I WISH: This whole thing with my mom and court and stuff would be over with
I MISS: my sisters and my almost sisters!
I FEAR: That things will not turn out and I will flunk out of school or I will start doing it and hate it!
I HEAR: the news playing in the background and pray the world becomes a better place when my generation gets old enough to fix things that our parents gen screwed up!
I WONDER: If I am gonna be able to make it to Green Bay!
I REGRET:NOTHING! That is no way to live
I AM NOT: confident in myself.
I DANCE: with my lil man...he loves it and both of us look like we have some bad disease that is causing seizures!
I SING: all the time, to myself, to my kiddos, to anyone who listens, and I suck I know!
I CRY: not as much as I did a few years ago....things seem to have a way of working themselves out and I realized it doesn't require my tears to grow!
I AM NOT ALWAYS: patient with ignorance. Not stupidity...but just not knowing...I get very impatient when people don't know what I know! (retard I know)
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: My Life!
I WRITE: Checks for bills, letters to friends, and usually when I have something to say...which is everyday!
I CONFUSE: my poor husband a lot!
I NEED:to have certain people understand that I can't handle the negativity in my life much longer!
I SHOULD: be doing my homework,but here I sit!
I START:laundry all the time and my kiddo rocks because he finishes it!
I FINISH: Not quite everything I start! But most everything eventually!
I'll tag: YOU!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Fathers Day and more
Fathers Day
WOW what a wonderful day! Zach came home, we went down to Bricktown and ate at Toby Keith's I love this bar and grill....and came home and they kids played in the pool and I called my dad and we ate cake and watched movies, and as DJ put it I got my growth back! LOL
Here are some pics of the kiddos!!!! The lil girls are Zachs little sisters! All in all wonderful day!
Kids got DJ some new movies Smoky and the Bandit, and The Dukes of Hazzard and I got him a Sirius! He was very happy!!!! OH and not sure if I mentioned this....If you get a chance to go see Cars...DO IT!!!!! Shan
Lane and Reece Wow look at how they have grown!
Shelby and Shy....and that is michael in the background with his sunburn
And no I didn't get any good pics of Zach he wouldn't let me! LOL Imgaine that
Now these pics are the kids talking to DJ on the CB when he was on his way home! Lane's handle is Lil Man....Shelby hates anything we give her so whatever! She doesn't have one yet....but she will....Besides Daddy needs to realize lil girly names won't last to long...LOOK AT HER!!! LOL
And no I didn't get any good pics of Zach he wouldn't let me! LOL Imgaine that
Now these pics are the kids talking to DJ on the CB when he was on his way home! Lane's handle is Lil Man....Shelby hates anything we give her so whatever! She doesn't have one yet....but she will....Besides Daddy needs to realize lil girly names won't last to long...LOOK AT HER!!! LOL
Rained out!
Speaking of Hendricks Motorbitches...anyone happen to notice a certain #48's ego? I mean really...I can't stand Gordan, but he was right...they are teammates....Johnpuss has had his wins this year, he is first in the points, Gordan isn't a threat to his points.....why was he racing him like that and letting the rest of the pack catch up! HELLO don't bit the hand that feeds you!! OK I am gonna get off of that because I could go on and on about the top 10 reasons to boo Johnson!
NOW Gibbs racing had a hellofa day! I am sooo sorry Judy!!! I do have to say two years ago I couldn't stand Tony! He was an arrogant ass!!! The day I watched him win and climb the fence he put a smile on my face....watching him race though pain, kick ass, watching his newest commercials, love them, THe past couple of weeks he has been getting his ass kicked...and Jeff Fucking Green needs to give it up and go home! Oh and get a damn hair cut hun that 90's no hats country tour shit went out before it hit!!!!
BUT watching his interview with his dad yesterday, knowing he bought his dad a car, even though he might not be that good...rocks, getting spun by the spin master....Spinning that car around going to the garage, watching those to guys barely move because they knew he could handle it, and watching him beat the hell out of that car and being under it.....WOW MY new hero!!! Tell me this....what other driver have you ever seen get under the car and help and do his best to beat the car out? Granted could have been a way better way and good stragity for his crew to have him beat the car than get out on the track and beat someone there...hmmm...either way KUDOS Smoke!!!
Now for that three banger wreck JJ had...son of a wow....that is all I can say about that! I mean wow! That was a three banger!!!! And I can say this time it wasn't him being a hot rod! I like JJ don't get me wrong JUDY....I just think he makes those same ole rookie mistakes that they all made!!! He will get better!!
BUT LOOKIE LOOKIE at the point standings...where is Rookie Denny? OH and a little side bar, he has the same birthday only 6 years earlier than my lil sis!!!! Cool huh! He was having a decent day! And I hate to see it get rained out!
NOW JR...what a car...what a commercial...he was just kickin ass! But he said it in his post race interview, they made adjustments, and it didn't work...he was going to start sliding backwards, and honestly I don't think I could have watched that look on DJ's face one more week!!!
OK well that is all I have to say this week and one more Kudos to Bill Lester.....hey man 32nd rocks!!! Way to go!!! Shan
Sunday, June 18, 2006
OK OK OK
Yes I know I havent' posted in a while and I sure haven't posted about Nascar! OK first of all I want to say if you get the chance to go see Cars! GO GO GO don't walk RUN and see it!!!! Anyone that ever grew up or had anything to do with either racing or Rt 66 or both such as I have and a few others I know...it might actually bring a tear to your eye!!! Pixar totally out did themselves this time!!!! Dale Jr is in it a couple of times, as himself, very cool, but it is the story that is awesome not just the cars and racing! Although there is a scene in the beginning that shows a wreck, and OMG I have seen a few like that on asphalt and dirt...and you feel like you are right there with them! It is amazing! It hit my top three!! Right up there with Braveheart and anyone who knows me well knows I watch that movie at least once a month! If not more!!!!!
OK now onto Nascar for this week...Gotta say Lookie loo my man, ok correction, Alisha and I's (did I do that right Judy) man got the pole! Of course!!!! I mean duh, this is just like Atlanta and the other big tracks he kicks ass at! BUT WAIT HOLD THE PHONE
Suddenly, Denny Hamlin is a star. HELOO!!!!! Where have they been all year!!! Here is a link to the story http://www.nascar.com/2006/news/headlines/cup/06/16/bc.car.apautoracingnotes.ap/index.html
OK here is this weeks line up....
Now the fact that three of Hendrick motorbitches racing is right behind Kasey doesn't bother me at all...they have proven over the last few weeks that at least ONE of them has a brain in his head. Brian Vickers is leaving after this year, and he is good and I hope he gets with a team that will show that to the rest of us!!!!! Instead of their Rainhoe warrior and their cheatin non american bastard always getting the glory!!!
Seeing Dale JR make the top 10 kicks ass!! It is his time and now owning all the rights to his image and name proves he is becomming the man we all knew he could be! Mark Martin is always a great guy to root for...his only problem..he is toooo passive, but maybe that is what I like about him! The Biff is a good guy too, I am just waiting to see Jarrod on the hood of his car! OH I do wanna say this....that crash that Gordan took last week....That just proved that the new safety devices they have installed in the cars, drivers and track do pay for themselves!!!!
Rounding out the field is the usual suspects minus one...Tony is back there in what 17th? Does it bother me, hell no....he has proven himself over and over again!!!!
OK that is enough chatter for this week. Sorry it has been so long, but there ya go!!! And for a kick ass rant about the #48 car and how much of a lil bitch he is got to Judys myspace rant
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=63065347&blogID=128765545&MyToken=85bf603c-22c4-4b09-a970-ff7498be52cf
Just goes to show....when you are a little bitch you are a little bitch!!!!
Boogity Boogity Boogity!!!!! GO SEE CARS!!! Shan
OK now onto Nascar for this week...Gotta say Lookie loo my man, ok correction, Alisha and I's (did I do that right Judy) man got the pole! Of course!!!! I mean duh, this is just like Atlanta and the other big tracks he kicks ass at! BUT WAIT HOLD THE PHONE
The real story of the week....
Denny Hamlin! Now this is what NASCAR.com has to say about him
Suddenly, Denny Hamlin is a star. HELOO!!!!! Where have they been all year!!! Here is a link to the story http://www.nascar.com/2006/news/headlines/cup/06/16/bc.car.apautoracingnotes.ap/index.html
Now maybe it is because I know his biggest fan...I am not sure but DAMN IT he has been in the top 11-15 all year long!!!! He isn't a sudden star just because he won a race!!! He has been a star ever since Joe Gibbs, who is brilliant I might add, signed him!!!! I am sorry but he is going to reach superstar status! Right along with Kasey!!!
OK here is this weeks line up....
| 1 | 9 | Kasey Kahne |
| 2 | 24 | Jeff Gordon |
| 3 | 25 | Brian Vickers |
| 4 | 48 | Jimmie Johnson |
| 5 | 43 | Bobby Labonte |
| 6 | 8 | Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
| 7 | 01 | Joe Nemechek |
| 8 | 6 | Mark Martin |
| 9 | 07 | Clint Bowyer |
| 10 | 16 | Greg Biffle |
Now the fact that three of Hendrick motorbitches racing is right behind Kasey doesn't bother me at all...they have proven over the last few weeks that at least ONE of them has a brain in his head. Brian Vickers is leaving after this year, and he is good and I hope he gets with a team that will show that to the rest of us!!!!! Instead of their Rainhoe warrior and their cheatin non american bastard always getting the glory!!!
Seeing Dale JR make the top 10 kicks ass!! It is his time and now owning all the rights to his image and name proves he is becomming the man we all knew he could be! Mark Martin is always a great guy to root for...his only problem..he is toooo passive, but maybe that is what I like about him! The Biff is a good guy too, I am just waiting to see Jarrod on the hood of his car! OH I do wanna say this....that crash that Gordan took last week....That just proved that the new safety devices they have installed in the cars, drivers and track do pay for themselves!!!!
Rounding out the field is the usual suspects minus one...Tony is back there in what 17th? Does it bother me, hell no....he has proven himself over and over again!!!!
OK that is enough chatter for this week. Sorry it has been so long, but there ya go!!! And for a kick ass rant about the #48 car and how much of a lil bitch he is got to Judys myspace rant
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=63065347&blogID=128765545&MyToken=85bf603c-22c4-4b09-a970-ff7498be52cf
Just goes to show....when you are a little bitch you are a little bitch!!!!
Boogity Boogity Boogity!!!!! GO SEE CARS!!! Shan
Pics of kids
Because he loves his photo taken and all! LMAO
I have tried to explain to Z that Lane will be right there all his life! LOL
This is Lane Shelby and Regina after their riviting preformance!!! LMAO!! The guitar and Mic are what Anna and Reg got Lane for his birthday!!
Gotta love these kids...when they are actually having fun and not trying to kill one another!
Can you tell she took it herself...wow look how mature she looks these days!!!!
They call themselves the "H" Posse! You get an apple if you figure that one out!!! I was awfully proud!!!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I KNOW I KNOW
Yes I realize I have been a shit and haven't posted in a while! yes I got distracted by myspace!!! Which isn't finished yet. LOL
OK News...lets see...
1 Got my highspeed hooked up! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!
2 Ended up with Lil Bit back...and she is preggers...gee wonder why they brought her back?
3 Zach comes home this weekend!! Woo Hoo! can't wait!!! miss my lil man!
4 there isnt! LOL Nothing goes on here it just sucks!!!!
Anyways here are some pics of the kids!!! Hope y'all enjoy!!! I will bitch about things laters....right now I need to study! Hasta Shan
OK News...lets see...
1 Got my highspeed hooked up! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!
2 Ended up with Lil Bit back...and she is preggers...gee wonder why they brought her back?
3 Zach comes home this weekend!! Woo Hoo! can't wait!!! miss my lil man!
4 there isnt! LOL Nothing goes on here it just sucks!!!!
Anyways here are some pics of the kids!!! Hope y'all enjoy!!! I will bitch about things laters....right now I need to study! Hasta Shan
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Saturday!
Well what a week this has been! Changes happening all over the place and things could not have been nuttier!!!! Someone asked me when I was going to actually breakdown....not that little bits and peices of emotion....just let it all poor out.....
Sorry to all of you who expect that of me...maybe it is life maybe it is that I don't want too!!! I dont' feel that my mother deserves my tears anymore!!! I know shitty I know mean...you can say what you want but when it comes to where I came from...there just isn't much emotion there anymore...indifference! Yes I know I am full of shit.....but at this point till I get though all of this.....it will have to be indifference! Later I will deal with the emotions that come along with it all! BUT as for now.....they will stay hidden! It is better that way!
I honestly appreciate the people who apologized for not taking this thing as serious as I was! For apologizing and saying what they thought...that I was overreacting......I do appreciate that NOW you recognize just how serious this is!!!
I really have put a lot of thought into pleaing out of this. Just to make it stop! But as DJ said....it isn't me! IT just isn't me to take the blame for something I know I didn't do!!!! I have never been one to take injustice and I don't want to start now! Honestly I am going to see what my lawyer has to say about the whole deal...and if I have to I will go to trial...I dont' want to do that though! Honestly I don't! I want it to be done!!! I want MY LIFE back! You know that life that doesn't have judges and lawyers in it! That life that cops aren't a threat...LMAO That life where I can be the mom my kids have always known! Not the mom that has to find somewhere for them to go because she might be going to jail!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want me back!!! I want for Debby to stop controling my life!!!!! I want her words to go away and for me to be done with her! I want to mourn my mother, you know that mom I had from 1976-1984! Not the mom post '84! And the only way to do that is for this to be over with! DAMN IT I was doing so good before this!!! I was happy well sorta but my unhappiness is something I created! NOT anyone else!! Minus that one!
Now onto that ONE person whom I don't want to have anymore to do with! I spoke with him about that! I did make it clear to him that she no longer gets my help! She no longer gets my respect! Calling him yesterday morning...HOURS after I was suppose to have her watch the kids, and played dumb!!!! He knows it I know it and I am sick and fucking tired of it! I am sick of her shit! I am sick of her give me give me give me and getting NOTHING but grief in return! All he can say is OH I am gonna let her know I am mad and what she did was wrong and I said and she is gonna go one of two ways...Oh I am sorry she never called, which is a lie lie lie lie lie lie!!! And he knows it he tried calling her...or she is gonna get pissed and say fuck you which is something he can't handle!!! FUCK! I am screwed either way! Do you know how many times I have considered telling him it is either me or her! But what good would that do? Not a damn bit! NOT ONE BIT!!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO I don't feel better!!! Anyways...on the bright side.....I got my high speed and I will be super fast come Wednesday! The kick ass part didn't have to pay anything up front!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!
Better run! Shan
Sorry to all of you who expect that of me...maybe it is life maybe it is that I don't want too!!! I dont' feel that my mother deserves my tears anymore!!! I know shitty I know mean...you can say what you want but when it comes to where I came from...there just isn't much emotion there anymore...indifference! Yes I know I am full of shit.....but at this point till I get though all of this.....it will have to be indifference! Later I will deal with the emotions that come along with it all! BUT as for now.....they will stay hidden! It is better that way!
I honestly appreciate the people who apologized for not taking this thing as serious as I was! For apologizing and saying what they thought...that I was overreacting......I do appreciate that NOW you recognize just how serious this is!!!
I really have put a lot of thought into pleaing out of this. Just to make it stop! But as DJ said....it isn't me! IT just isn't me to take the blame for something I know I didn't do!!!! I have never been one to take injustice and I don't want to start now! Honestly I am going to see what my lawyer has to say about the whole deal...and if I have to I will go to trial...I dont' want to do that though! Honestly I don't! I want it to be done!!! I want MY LIFE back! You know that life that doesn't have judges and lawyers in it! That life that cops aren't a threat...LMAO That life where I can be the mom my kids have always known! Not the mom that has to find somewhere for them to go because she might be going to jail!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want me back!!! I want for Debby to stop controling my life!!!!! I want her words to go away and for me to be done with her! I want to mourn my mother, you know that mom I had from 1976-1984! Not the mom post '84! And the only way to do that is for this to be over with! DAMN IT I was doing so good before this!!! I was happy well sorta but my unhappiness is something I created! NOT anyone else!! Minus that one!
Now onto that ONE person whom I don't want to have anymore to do with! I spoke with him about that! I did make it clear to him that she no longer gets my help! She no longer gets my respect! Calling him yesterday morning...HOURS after I was suppose to have her watch the kids, and played dumb!!!! He knows it I know it and I am sick and fucking tired of it! I am sick of her shit! I am sick of her give me give me give me and getting NOTHING but grief in return! All he can say is OH I am gonna let her know I am mad and what she did was wrong and I said and she is gonna go one of two ways...Oh I am sorry she never called, which is a lie lie lie lie lie lie!!! And he knows it he tried calling her...or she is gonna get pissed and say fuck you which is something he can't handle!!! FUCK! I am screwed either way! Do you know how many times I have considered telling him it is either me or her! But what good would that do? Not a damn bit! NOT ONE BIT!!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO I don't feel better!!! Anyways...on the bright side.....I got my high speed and I will be super fast come Wednesday! The kick ass part didn't have to pay anything up front!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!
Better run! Shan
Friday, June 02, 2006
HELL HELL HELL
OK I know I havent been to clear on what the hell is going on with me....so here goes the very short of the very long of it.....
Back in 1999 my mother met some man off the internet from New Hampshire...well they came up with this plan to meet in C-Bus OH....at some gas station.....well they never met up there....she and my sister were living with me in Shawnee OK! Well long story short on that....she ended up missing my sisters first day of Jr High and I had to buy her school supplies at midnight the night before school started, and she went back to Joplin MO to meet this man!
They get back to my house the next day she calls me at work and I said no way in hell is this man I dont know staying in my house.....she says well Iwill get you back for this.....AND WOW did she!
She showed at my house a few days laters smacked me down to the ground, mind you I am a 22 year old mother of three with all my kids in the house, and she hold me down, spits in my face smacks me a few more times and BOOM it is over, DJ picks her up and puts her out....
Well sometime after this apparently this man beat her....the cops are called and she tells them I did it! I didn't fucking touch her....I spent years and years and years getting my ass beat and never touched her!
Anyways.......I unknown to me, was charged with assult and battery and malicious destruction of property.....which I didn't do!
I just found out about this a couple of months ago and found out that there was a bench warrant for me.....so on May the 8th I went and had that lifted and got a court date for yesterday....I wasn't able to gain an attorney in any way shape form or fashion! The judge gave me 30 minutes to get my kids somewhere and get a bond, he was revoking my bond for violating a court order.....not sure exactly what order that was because in the US you can represent yourself...not something I would recommend but when all else fails!!! Anyways....I freak get it all done and he lets me go...approves me for a court appointed attorney and my next court date will be July 6th! Which I can't be here for but the lawyer can ask for a trail by jury or non jury if needed! And I dont' have to be there!
Hopefully it wont' go that far! I am hoping they will take one look at this and realize my mother is dead they have no one to testify and there may be pics but that is it...that doesn't prove anything!!!! I didn't do this and I could have plead out yesterday and had it done...BUT I am not going to do it...I didn't do this and I am not going to take the blame for it!!!!!
So that is my life as it sits right now! I have never felt more like the scum of the earth than I did yesteday!!! It sucked so bad, and to have the Mistress of Satan piss out of me....well lets just say....that put the cherry on the top of my Shit sunday......Watching my kids bawl and freak over the thought of having to watch Mommy go to jail, when they know mommy didn't do it....listening to my daughter gasp in the court room and having everyone turn and look at her....it was like my whole life was on display! Thanks Winnie for putting your Grandchildren though more shit!!!! TYPICAL....hope you NEVERMIND you are not worth another thought!
DJ ended up getting his load changed and being there with me! No I haven't totally broke down yet, I did kinda yesterday, but I just won't...she doesn't get my tears anymore....just aint happening!!!! All her photos and things are put up...I dont' want to see her or think about her! Yes I know some people are going to tell me that is not good!
I will let these people know this...I spent 27 years being held in her prison! Yes she actually told me more than once I can be your friend or I can be your warden! And all I wanted was a mom!
All I have ever wanted was NORMAL parents! Someone to love me regardless.....and she might have and Yano she told me once before she died.....that no matter what she does to me I will always love her because she is my mother! Well....I may love her, in a fucked up warped kinda way, but I do not like her at all!
Years and years and years of abuse and in the end, there never was an Im sorry....there wasn't even a warning that this was going to happen!!!! She did get the last word...being dead!!!! So typical!
Yes I will find the humor in this some day I am sure! But right now I am full of hurt and anger and discontentment for her! I will forgive someday I know I will.....But today isn't that day!
Anyways there it is!!! love hugs and all that good stuff to everyone who called and was there for me yesterday!!! I dont know what the hell I would have done without y'all!!!!!! I learned yesterday that people do actually give a crap!!! Crazy as it was...NONE of them were MY family! Not my sisters, not my aunts not my grandparents not my uncles......NONE of them bothered to find out...Just my friends, and DJs family!
I want to say a special thanks to Monte and Brenda for coming to get the kids for me and calming them down! I dont know what I would have done if y'all hadnt been there! Thanks!!! Shan
Back in 1999 my mother met some man off the internet from New Hampshire...well they came up with this plan to meet in C-Bus OH....at some gas station.....well they never met up there....she and my sister were living with me in Shawnee OK! Well long story short on that....she ended up missing my sisters first day of Jr High and I had to buy her school supplies at midnight the night before school started, and she went back to Joplin MO to meet this man!
They get back to my house the next day she calls me at work and I said no way in hell is this man I dont know staying in my house.....she says well Iwill get you back for this.....AND WOW did she!
She showed at my house a few days laters smacked me down to the ground, mind you I am a 22 year old mother of three with all my kids in the house, and she hold me down, spits in my face smacks me a few more times and BOOM it is over, DJ picks her up and puts her out....
Well sometime after this apparently this man beat her....the cops are called and she tells them I did it! I didn't fucking touch her....I spent years and years and years getting my ass beat and never touched her!
Anyways.......I unknown to me, was charged with assult and battery and malicious destruction of property.....which I didn't do!
I just found out about this a couple of months ago and found out that there was a bench warrant for me.....so on May the 8th I went and had that lifted and got a court date for yesterday....I wasn't able to gain an attorney in any way shape form or fashion! The judge gave me 30 minutes to get my kids somewhere and get a bond, he was revoking my bond for violating a court order.....not sure exactly what order that was because in the US you can represent yourself...not something I would recommend but when all else fails!!! Anyways....I freak get it all done and he lets me go...approves me for a court appointed attorney and my next court date will be July 6th! Which I can't be here for but the lawyer can ask for a trail by jury or non jury if needed! And I dont' have to be there!
Hopefully it wont' go that far! I am hoping they will take one look at this and realize my mother is dead they have no one to testify and there may be pics but that is it...that doesn't prove anything!!!! I didn't do this and I could have plead out yesterday and had it done...BUT I am not going to do it...I didn't do this and I am not going to take the blame for it!!!!!
So that is my life as it sits right now! I have never felt more like the scum of the earth than I did yesteday!!! It sucked so bad, and to have the Mistress of Satan piss out of me....well lets just say....that put the cherry on the top of my Shit sunday......Watching my kids bawl and freak over the thought of having to watch Mommy go to jail, when they know mommy didn't do it....listening to my daughter gasp in the court room and having everyone turn and look at her....it was like my whole life was on display! Thanks Winnie for putting your Grandchildren though more shit!!!! TYPICAL....hope you NEVERMIND you are not worth another thought!
DJ ended up getting his load changed and being there with me! No I haven't totally broke down yet, I did kinda yesterday, but I just won't...she doesn't get my tears anymore....just aint happening!!!! All her photos and things are put up...I dont' want to see her or think about her! Yes I know some people are going to tell me that is not good!
I will let these people know this...I spent 27 years being held in her prison! Yes she actually told me more than once I can be your friend or I can be your warden! And all I wanted was a mom!
All I have ever wanted was NORMAL parents! Someone to love me regardless.....and she might have and Yano she told me once before she died.....that no matter what she does to me I will always love her because she is my mother! Well....I may love her, in a fucked up warped kinda way, but I do not like her at all!
Years and years and years of abuse and in the end, there never was an Im sorry....there wasn't even a warning that this was going to happen!!!! She did get the last word...being dead!!!! So typical!
Yes I will find the humor in this some day I am sure! But right now I am full of hurt and anger and discontentment for her! I will forgive someday I know I will.....But today isn't that day!
Anyways there it is!!! love hugs and all that good stuff to everyone who called and was there for me yesterday!!! I dont know what the hell I would have done without y'all!!!!!! I learned yesterday that people do actually give a crap!!! Crazy as it was...NONE of them were MY family! Not my sisters, not my aunts not my grandparents not my uncles......NONE of them bothered to find out...Just my friends, and DJs family!
I want to say a special thanks to Monte and Brenda for coming to get the kids for me and calming them down! I dont know what I would have done if y'all hadnt been there! Thanks!!! Shan
Thursday, June 01, 2006
OK so I lied! I am scared to death!!! I am nervous I have been running around all morning like a chicken with no head.....I am scared I can't get a hold of the MOS so I am gonna have to take the kids!!! Which isn't something I wanted to do! I have to do this by myself because DJ is God knows where...so much for promises...but you bet your ass he made sure he was here for his shit next week!
OK I am done with that...I want this to be over today....I can let my mother go and go on with my life!!! Hopefully today will end it all and I can say goodbye!!!!
So NOTE to all my wonderful friends who have talked me though this thing........if I got off the deep end I am sorry!!! Depending on the outcome of todays deal depends on what I am going to do!!!!
Honestly I shouldn't be surprised that NO ONE in my family has thought to pick up a phone and say hey are you ok? If I was half as selfish as they were I would have well never mind! I am done with it all!
OK I am gonna go....need to get ready! Laters!
OK I am done with that...I want this to be over today....I can let my mother go and go on with my life!!! Hopefully today will end it all and I can say goodbye!!!!
So NOTE to all my wonderful friends who have talked me though this thing........if I got off the deep end I am sorry!!! Depending on the outcome of todays deal depends on what I am going to do!!!!
Honestly I shouldn't be surprised that NO ONE in my family has thought to pick up a phone and say hey are you ok? If I was half as selfish as they were I would have well never mind! I am done with it all!
OK I am gonna go....need to get ready! Laters!
Big Day
Today is the day! I go back to court today....gotta see what is gonna happen with that...yes I am VERY nervous...very scared and I dont know what I am gonna do or what is gonna happen! I have to admit that rescheduling all of it has ran though the brain more than once, since I don't have a lawyer and I don't know what is going to happen!!!
Sucks when you know and the rest of the world knows you didn't do anything wrong, and the ONE person that could say NO NO NO she didn't do this...is dead!!! Oh better idea...take the blame for all the bull shit you pulled on us growing up and becomming adults! Yeah well that isnt gonna happen either!!!!!!
I am hoping since there are no facts to be presented and there is no one to testify for the state this will all GO AWAY!!!! At least that is the plan!!!! I will keep ya posted!!!! SAY A PRAYER!! I am gonna need it!!! Shan
Sucks when you know and the rest of the world knows you didn't do anything wrong, and the ONE person that could say NO NO NO she didn't do this...is dead!!! Oh better idea...take the blame for all the bull shit you pulled on us growing up and becomming adults! Yeah well that isnt gonna happen either!!!!!!
I am hoping since there are no facts to be presented and there is no one to testify for the state this will all GO AWAY!!!! At least that is the plan!!!! I will keep ya posted!!!! SAY A PRAYER!! I am gonna need it!!! Shan
Sunday, May 28, 2006
FINALLY....
After a couple of months without a car in a time I would rather forget....we finally got one!!! Well ok it isn't a car car but here it is..and please keep the soccer mom comments to yourself...I have heard them all JUDY!!! LMAO!!!!! WHOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!
It is a 1998 Olds Sillhoutte!!!! I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!
UH OH Radio controls on the stearing wheel!!!!
All leather interior and two bucket seats in the back and a large seat in the very back!!
I won't know how to act!
It is a 1998 Olds Sillhoutte!!!! I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!
UH OH Radio controls on the stearing wheel!!!!
All leather interior and two bucket seats in the back and a large seat in the very back!!
I won't know how to act!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Why
It's 3 AM and I finally say
I'm sorry for acting that way
I didn't really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why
[CHORUS]
Does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
I know I'd never let you walk away
So why do I push you 'til you break
And why are you always on the verge of good-bye
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside
[CHORUS]
Does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I do that to youTuesday, May 23, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
KACI
TO Kaci......ie your comment.....
Who do you think I am talking about? I mean come on.....lets see I spent the day with my short short, tank top cowboy boot wearing mother in law! Oh and lets see I had to hurry because she needed to take ciggs to her boyfriend but I still had to buy lunch and pay for gas and DID I speak 5 words HELL NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT!!!!
Oh and I was telling my dear sweet idiot of a husband something about MY time and MY life...and all of the sudden I hear man that is a huge chunk of aluminum....and how the guy loading it is fat...oh and then he tells me that today is the last day of school, because I am so not involoved in my kids life and he offered parenting advice on how to be nice to them when they get home from school today! Yano how to be a good parent for the last day of school Because he has been around for so many of them! Apparently I am just a horrid parent! Anyways...i am gonna stop now before I become a bigger bitch then I already am!!!
Oh and I was telling my dear sweet idiot of a husband something about MY time and MY life...and all of the sudden I hear man that is a huge chunk of aluminum....and how the guy loading it is fat...oh and then he tells me that today is the last day of school, because I am so not involoved in my kids life and he offered parenting advice on how to be nice to them when they get home from school today! Yano how to be a good parent for the last day of school Because he has been around for so many of them! Apparently I am just a horrid parent! Anyways...i am gonna stop now before I become a bigger bitch then I already am!!!
me not you!
Do you ever......
...... just wanna tell someone to shut the fuck up you were talking? Because they are so good at making you listen to them but NO GOOD at listening to you? The interupt what you are saying to talk about what is important to them? Does it make ya wanna cry or hit them? I am debating!
I was sitting here this morning thinking about the Oprah show that was on yesterday that I didn't finish watching. Which for me is typical.....I never finish shows like that. I just don't buy into all of it. And yesterday they had a man and woman on there that he had cheated on her with her best friend. And pretty much the only two things I agreed with were A it wasn't the wives fault....it wasn't that she wasn't pretty enough it wasn't that she wasn't good enough...could have some to do with the controlling ways, yet that should have been up to the husband to say listen you controlling heffer you need to stop that! And 2 that woman wasn't her friend at all! Let alone best friend. I have only had a few of those in my life, and I have only been someone's a few times in my life. I did have a friend long ago, that I could have done this too! But I chose not too...well actually there was no thought in it at all! He was married to someone I concerned a very good friend, and I couldn't imagine her doing that to me! I have thought about it years and years later and realized that I am a good friend...I didn't fuck her husband and I didn't tell her about it either. Why cause her unnecessary worry! Although I am sure since I wouldn't he did find someone else to! But that isn't something I have to deal with! I had to deal with the there and then and I did with a clean conscious!
However I have been on the other end of that and there are many many reasons as to why someone would cheat! Mine was loneliness and the inability to deal with my reality! I ended up having to face that reality and more! Because by the time it was all said and done there was a lot more to deal with then there had been to begin with. It isn't something I recommend to anyone! Although I know how it happens and I see it every day someone doing this to someone else.
I have also been on the receiving end of it! WAY before I was on the giving end! Yeah because that makes it better and all! *insert eye roll* It was the most painful thing I have had to deal with in our marriage. I had to forgive...and I had to learn how to trust again....some people can't get over there...some people never learn how to trust again! Some just go though the motions because they don't' know what else to do! But all those are lies.....and you can't live your life in a big ole lie!!!!
I don't' know if I will ever fully trust him again and I don't' think he will fully trust me again! I do however do my best to NOT get myself in a situation where it would cause him to worry! There has been a time or two lately that I have wondered about his trust in me. Asking me strange questions, wondering what I am doing! I can say this...there is no one I want to do that with!
It not only cheats your spouse but you are cheating your children and most importantly YOURSELF!!! It is a temporary fix to a permanent problem! Did my affair fix my problems...no it sure didn't! It made me realize a lot of things about myself. And I also realized that I was hurting the person I was having the affair with! We were both lying to the universe! Had I truly loved him the way I thought I did...or like I wanted to I would not have put him though that either! Yes I said love...there is a certain level of love that I still have for this person, knowing what I put him though! I did want him to shake the shit out of me and say STOP this....one or the other.....he never did and the only conclusion I can come up with that is that he didn't love me either....he did but not the way I wanted to be, needed to be!!!
I am so very sorry to him for the frustration I put him though! I really am! I am even more sorry to myself for what I put me though! It was so stupid! I could have made a choice and when I finally did so many feeling had been hurt and something's could never be taken back! Does DJ know about it all...no and I am a FIRM believer that unless you really really want and answer to your questions PLEASE by all means don't ask! Details aren't important! I didn't ask details about his time with someone else. Because honestly I don't care!!!!!!! There isn't one ounce of me that cares! It is to painful. Yes some say the imagination is worse....BUT I don't believe that...hearing the words out of the person you thought you could trusts mouth.....just twists the hell outta that knife! And there ends up being a rip in the fabric that can never be repaired!
I speak all this from experience! Would I ever do it again...NO....would he...I don't think so....Ask him the same thing you will get the same answer! See even years later....the trust is still being mended!
Was it worth the pain and heartache and wondering? 4 years out of it....yeah someday's I think it was. Others I know it was. If this doesn't work out between he and I...it isn't from lack of trying! But it has to be honest trying! It has to be honest feelings being said and NOT getting mad at communication! Because when it comes down to it that is the reason it happens! There is a breach in communication! You don't' trust the person well enough in the first place to let them know you are feeling boxed in or you hate the way that things are going or whatever! It isn't some emotional tear from childhood! Although I will say this.....as a child we learn how to communicate! But as an adult we learn how to prefect it! SO you can't blame the fact that mommy was a bitch to daddy or daddy was a drunk....after a certain point...you should be out in the world enough to realize right and wrong! NO matter what! Did I have an affair because Mommy didn't' love me enough or Dad forgot I existed? No I had an affair because WE had problems! My parents had nothing to do with it! Did DJ do what he did because his mom is an alcoholic crack head....naw....doesn't have anything to do with it! Did he do it because his dad does it and gets away with it...well there could have been some ideas that were planted there!
OK I am just rambling on and on now! Shan
Children
I know not the best photo I have taken of them...but this is what they look like these days! Yes Shelby is damn near a head taller than her big brother. I keep trying to tell him that will pass, but when you are 11 and your little sister is taller than you...you tend to worry! LOL I can't believe today is the last day of school. I now offically have two 5th graders and a 2nd grader. Which to a lot of people sounds so young...but WOW...I remember them starting Kindergarden! It doesn't seem like they should be that old...but I suppose it happens.....wanna show y'all something.....
WOW look at that kid! He was so small....so sweet and let me dress him still and do his hair! LOL This is Easter 2000! Boy I miss him! He thought I was the greatest....these days he thinks I am just weird! LOL And look at this little girl! Awww...she used to be so damn sweet and caring and loving and all that good stuff!!! This was taken about 2 months before the snake bite......that was her change! That to me is when she stopped being so innocent! But she had this sweet quiet squeeky little voice! Look at that bright little smile....I haven't seen her smile just because like that in so very long! Yes BTW I am in tears!
Look at that sweet baby! This is before he learned how to walk and talk....man he was so much fun! I have never laughed at a kid more than I laugh still at him! He is our clown...and it started early! I do believe Anna is right...had it not been for Lane, my life would totally be different! And I am not sure in what sort of way!
And these two little girls!!!! WOW look at them...they were both so damn funny!!!! Not that they aren't funny now...just in a different way!
Is it normal to morn the loss of the innocents of your children?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)