Hi Mom

Two years ago Thursday I lost my mom...well I didn't lose her I know where she is...see I hate that saying I lost someone...no you didn't...they just aren't here anymore...she is in a much better place (I Pray) than this earth! Anyway...last year on the anniversary of her death I wrote out a lot of how I felt...and this year I did the same.....


Two years ago this week my life changed forever! LOL I do believe that is the same words I used last year....only another year has gone.
WOW Mom look at us....look at all the changes a year has made! Our family got bigger, Zachary is 11 years old Mom. 11 to think sometimes that you were there the day he came into the world seems so far away and yet somedays it seems like it was yesterday! So glad it wasn't though!!! LOL And look at Shelby...belly boo! Belly now has boobs! She is me only better! I am so scared of her! She is so perfect yet to much like me to be all messed up sometimes! She will be everything I always dreamed of, and then some! And Lane...the one you were there for, which by the way, DJ is now so glad that he wasn't there! He talks like he is 15 and he is only 6! 6 what an age...I remember 6....I remember you helping me learn how to read and add....not sure who taught who what!
And look at mini mo.....Japan of all places. Well mom you always said that she would go places....and be something....how did ya know? She is confused about life 99% of the time, but she contines to live it in the best possible fashion! She is learning herself and becomming a very wonderful woman!
Neice....she has her own place now...she has her own boyfriend who is actually NOT a loser for a change! He is a good guy....I miss her most....I miss the afternoon talks I miss the laughing in each others laps and watching TV....I miss pissing her off by starting the vaccum cleaner next to her bedroom door at 8am! LOL But most of all I miss the way her face looks when she talks about you!
And me....well you see me everyday....I can feel you when I am messin up. I can hear you say my name when I am feeling low! I know you are still here somewhere. I know you watch over us....and I know you know how mad at you I have been! How you lost your place on the pedistal when I found out about what you had done to me way back when! And how pissed I was thinking you were haunting me! And I know how you were with me the night DJs mother said that stupid shit to me! And I hope you have messed with her for good measure! I have spent the last few months NOT thinking about you or talking about you and being pissed at you...what for? Who does it hurt? ME that is it...ME....and Lord knows I would never let you hurt me! LOL You were right Mom...no matter what you ever do to me I will still love you because you are my mom! You are not allowed the pedistal anymore though...that place is reserved for no one! But I cant spend the rest of my life pissed at you! Although I could fake it well! It does no one any justice! Your memory deserves better.
I can say I am sorry that you don't have a stone yet...I guess I have put it off for so long because I am scared to do it! I am scared to put a stone there...it would mean you are really gone...this way you are still here! I haven't said good bye yet...and I am not sure I am ready too. I know I should for everyone else! Oh and to send Peggy over the edge would be so funny! (sorry amanda) Not really I pray she has come to terms with it all! I am not sure Amanda and Denise are ready either. They haven't said anything to me about it! Not sure if they ever would....some day mom....someday!
What have I learned from you not being here.....hmm....a lot actually. For one I cannot be big sis and mom at the same time...I can only do one or the other...and I chose big sis. I like it it suits me better! LOL And I am sorry girls...brain fart!
Secondly...there is no one on the planet that can take your place for any of us. We have to be happy with the short time we got and move on...and that moving on this is WAY easier said than done. There is no one that can be you....or even come close...although DJ runs a pretty close second when it comes to calling me out!
Thirdly, I hurt more for your parents and my sisters than I do me. I knew you...maybe better than anyone...just as Zach knows me I knew you! I can't BS him and you sure couldn't BS me! But I do think of your parents daily....I wished I could have more time with them....I wished my life wasn't so complicated and busy so I could take those moments to know them...and my other grandparents...they are really all I have to know who I am! Or at least where I came from not so much who I am. And the girls....I cry for them because they didn't know the mom I knew. The mom before the pain...before the alcohol, the mom who made me hot chocolate every day after school, the mom who called me shany all the time, and is still the only one allowed to call me that! Although it is nice sometimes when Uncle Jimmy says it!
I now understand why you were the way you were...and ironicly I think Denise understands you and her father more now than she ever has! He is a difficult man....way to complicated to understand and kudos to you for trying. I now understand the love you had for Kevin....love like that only comes once in a lifetime...and I pray that you two have found one another...for all of our sakes. I also understand your stubborn pride when it came to my grandparents and I say thanks for letting go of that long enough to let me know...although it just confused me more and still does to know them. I am not them....although DJ swears I am a perfect mix of both of my grandfathers! A cut up who can intimidate the crap out of anyone with charm and wit out the wazoo! HAHA..what does he know!
And lastly I have learned that I love ya mom....no matter what....messed up as things were...they were ours and they were comfortable....and YOU made them that way....WE made it that way....all of us....things aren't the same and they never will be. Christmas will suck to a point from now on...I will sooner or later get out of that funk...even though I faked it a lot better last year than I did this! (Sorry about not getting the village up just couldnt make myself) I learned that you were an amazing woman...though all your pain and hate of the world, you did the best you could with us...and being a parent is the hardest job in the world. And not wanting to rip your kids apart at moments is a hard thing not to do! HA! I now understand why you were so hard on me....same reason I do it to Shelby....just in a different way. You loved me..I made you Mom...just as Zach made me mom! And the cycle will continue. I now understand why those times I thought you were being a wretched hateful person...you were just loving me enough to NOT let me make a mistake I would regret forever! (think that is called being a mom) Everyone should realize that about their parents way sooner than they do! Thanks mom....for doing your best.....
Look at us now....I would love to hear what you think. I know people say you would have been so proud, and I have ever heard from others that you were proud, but in typical Mom fashion you walked out before you told us that! Sorry that was a cheap shot....yeah ok so there are still some things I need to work out when it comes to you and me! I have so many questions for you...mainly....the memories I have been having lately...are they real? What is heaven like and what did ya have to do to get there? Is my father there and has he seen me? Just a few questions.
To my family......maybe this will become a tradition...maybe it wont....seems to help...and I hope it helps y'all! Grandma and Grandpa...I miss you two so much every day...it is hard to see you though....it is hard enough to look in the mirror but when thetwo people you look at mirror right back at ya...it is hard. Please know that my keeping in touch and seeing you more often has nothing to do with not wanting too...please know that if it were up to me we would all live in a compound like rich ass snobs!!! Aunt Mary....I am not even sure what to say to you....we haven't spoken much this past year....who knows why...we are both selfish pain filled snots! Sometimes it is easier not to speak! I do wanna say that I love ya so much.....and please know that all of everything you tried to do to help mom, she appreciate...she was just so filled with her own pride and self she couldn't show it and God forbid big sis ask for help from little sis....as a big sis I understand that! But she loves you...and longed to be like you, she just didnt know how to be her first! Shawn and Shane....gee wow we haven't spoken in two years....God has a plan for all of us and sharing DNA must be ours! HAHA! Momma thought you two hung the moon! And ya know in some small way....ya did! I know she looks down upon who you both have become and smiles. What men you are!
And Uncle Jimmy.....you shit....(yes I am cussing) no one break down and freak on me...after all it is Jimmys fault I cuss! HAHA!!! I love ya and so did mom...in her own way. I don't think I could ever say how...and honestly whatever happened between the two of you to cause such hot blood...it died with her..you were so right about that! I thank you for having to courage to stand up and speak what you had to say a couple of years ago without the worry that she would rise just to mess with ya!!! I wished like you wouldn't believe that you could watch my kids grow up like you did me and Jayme! (little baby factory) But I also understand why you are where you are! I pray your hopes and dreams come true!
To the two most important gals in my world....amanda...wow that is all I can say when I think about you! And don't forget where you came from...deep down inside you are just a little hicky girl who grew up in podunk Texas! Like it or not....please don't forget who you really are in your world travels! And Denise Renee....I know you better than anyone here....and I still love ya! HA! You make me proud...you are smarter than you give yourself credit for! You aren't just the baby anymore! You have learned how to be a woman...that brings tears to my eyes! I wished they could all see ya the way I do! I wished we could all see each other like I do!
I may be a butt when it comes to keeping in touch, but every night I pray for all of you...YOU are where I came from. Grandpa...I love ya....and you did the best ya could with mom....I know that..and when it came down to it you didnt fail her! Grandma....she used to complain about taking you to town every other Wednesday....but she would not have had it any other way! A girls mom is so important but please know so is her grandma!!!! I love ya!
SO lift your glass....Here's to Mom...where ever she may be this evening...lets hope she is with Kevin and in a rocker on the porch on the mansion on the hill! ROCKIN to AC/DC!
I love you family!
Shany
PS sorry for any typos....my spell check isnt working so I might not be so smart! LOL

thinking

you know as I sat there today and listened to DJ tell me about all the bragging my sons step mother was doing as he was picking Zachary up...about their TiVo and their DVR and their this and that and the other...and then she said to DJ oh you can't come in my house it is a mess....LMAO....really imagine that...Kaci tells me the other day she goes to drop off Brenna and there is a mouse dead on the sticky trap sitting next to the front door and wow look at that she didn't pick it up...Kaci said she was afraid too..so Kac got a stick and flung it out of the house....

You know we may not be rich, and we may not spoil the shit out of our kids, they do not get everything they want....they do get a lot...they get parents who are sober and pay attention. They get parents who coach soccer not knowing what the hell they are doing and they get parents who spend time with them and dont bitch at them because they are always tired. It isn't like we can not afford to give them things, sometimes we can't....most of the time we can...we just chose not to! We chose to have them earn what they get...they respect it a lot more. \par\tab And it is like I told DJ....we have more than they ever will. We have love and family. We may have a life that keeps us apart a lot and he is gone a lot and does miss out on things...but he didn't miss our son graduating...he didn't miss the first game...he didnt miss all kinds of stuff that they miss out on all the time trying to keep up with the Jones. And granted their house they are working on, which used to be mine, (how sick is that) is going to be a beauty when they finally move into it...LMAO and it will be a wreck when they are done! But where is it...it is in Adrian Texas, google earth that place...blink and you will miss it on the screen. It is a tiny ass town on the edge of Texas, and the only reason Texans even admit that it is there is because they are to proud to let anyone else have it!!! It is a sink hole...literaly a sink hole! It sits in a hole! And at one time that place was my life...but I was so miserable there. Here no I dont know many people and the few I do most I don't like, but we all know I am not that much of a people person anyway. They disappoint me! But, I have my family here...I have my children and I have DJ! What more could someone ask for. He loves me, he thinks I am a good person, he knows me better than anyone and he knows he can count on me! Can they say the same about one another? He turned down a damn good trip so I wouldnt have to be alone on New Years...she worked and he went and got drunk. How sad is that?\par\tab DJ says it isn't fair....what they they have all these material possesions and they can show off but no one is allowed in their house because they won't clean it? It isn't fair that they are doing their best to buy off my son and have him come and live with them? That old trick never works....and if he does fall for it...shame on him....he has been taught different. Ya know they are pathetic if you ask me....the try to go behind my back and do shit and dont realize my son MY son tells me all!! Well maybe not all....somethings I don't care to know...and I don't ask...he offers! And he knows where his place is here as opposed to there...he plays second and third to HER girls...here it is all equal! No one treats anyone any different here! \par\pard\tx5130 Do I worry that one day he will say I am not coming home? You bet you sweet ass I do! I worry about that every time he walks out that door till he walks back in and a day after he is home.....it would be a lie to say otherwise. Am I confident that he won't fall for their shit...No I am not! I was a kid once and promises of your own room and all that sounds wonderful..and buying a kid is the perfect way to do it...but those things won't keep ya happy! Look at DJ, he of all people should know that never works. His mother did it how many times to him? Do I want to be the parent Zachary choses to be with....yes I do...it would break my heart to NOT have him here...do I think Michael is capable of taking him away..NO but that wife of his is! She has already told everyone that they are gonna try to take him when she gets out of school...Try bitch! That is all I have to say about that! Try!! I will fight them with everything I have...and the biggest thing I have against them...THEY cannot give him his meds! I dont give a shit if she works in a hospital...doesnt make a darn to me...I am the one who was taught, DJ was the one who took the ride with me...Michael was offered...he refused....to busy impregnating that thing he is with now to worry about his only son! Oh well....his loss...I said it then and I will say it now...THAT is his downfall!!!

As for all of the rest...yeah we could have fancy shit....we sure could...we could go around bragging about it all....but I like looking myself in the mirror every day and looking around and knowing EVERYTHING I have is because WE worked for it...and we didnt use people and we didnt take advantage of people and people are welcome to come into my home at any time and see the little material stuff we have but the LOADS of love, life, pride, hope and faith we have in ourselves, each other and God! And that to me is better than any TiVo and DVR! Who cares about that shit....really who cares. You can't take it with you....what you can take with you is that you lived your life the best you could and took care of your family and they love you and you love them! You can take with you the knowledge that you didnt screw anyone and there isnt someone out there praying you are burning in hell! Money and material....you can't take that and if ya do it doesn't buy your way into heaven.....I would rather have someone standing over my grave saying Man she was such a good person and not man she was such a bitch but she sure had a nice house! Wonder who she left that car to! LMAO...who cares!!!! I want my kids to be so happy that I am now in heaven that they don't care about that crap I leave them....seriously....does it matter? Is it gonna keep them warm at night...is it gonna give them the warm fuzzies that remembering you Mom being at that Christmas party when you were 8 or always making hot chocolate when you decorated the tree or knowing that every year about your birthday you can expect a HUGE party....just to honor the fact that you are alive! Or how she cried the day you made it though your times tables and could remember them all or that song you sang to memorize the Decleration of Independence? Do you even remember what your parents got you for your 10th birthday? Hell no....99% of people dont! Mine sure dont I don't remember what i got my kids for their 10th birthdays! LOL Doesn't matter! But I can tell ya what I said to him when he turned 10! And he can tell ya about that special party he got! And I can also tell you the pictures I put together for that family party for his 10th birthday....I didnt have one photo to put up of he and his father. I can tell you that I asked his grandmother for one and she didnt have one either! That SHOULD speak volumes! SHOULD! But when someone isn't listening....it doesn't make a sound!

OK I will stop I think the point has been made. It isn't about material things...it isn't about that crap you can buy someone...yes certain material things have meaning...I have a few...posessions....but I have way more memories...I can tell you what I brough Zach home in the day I finally got to bring him home...I can tell you what he was wearing the last time I saw him....I cant tell you what I bought him last year for christmas! I can tell you how he smelled when he was a baby....I looked at him this past Christmas and flashed back to his first....how loved a baby he was and how he has grown into such a nice young man....and knowing I did that...DJ and I did. Michael had nothing to do with it! Ya know it is so strange because I got an email from a friend about seeing Zach when he was in Vega and this email told me how great of a kid he is..and how WE (dj and i) should be proud of it because WE did it! That made me feel really good. Zach is my bud...not sure if anyone can tell that! BUT this child is my link to reality! No not my favorite..he is my rock and my anchor! He is what made me a mom...HE is what made me who I am today! I was such a selfish little bitch the day he was born. It is amazing that that was even me! And for months afterwards, I was an idiot....I didn't do what I should have with him. BUT thanks to my mother, who in her wisdom, dropped him off to me one night and said here this is yours YOU take care of him! And then wouldn't answer the phone when I called for a few months! Thanks Mom!!!! You had your moments!!! And when they were good they were Damn good! LOL (she knows what I mean) Thanks for listening to my rambling! There is more where that came from! Shan

FIRE!!!

FIRE!

Well we are on fire!!! Well not us proper but all around us and apparently back home in Texas also. What a scary thing to go though! I can honestly say this is way scarier than a tornado! At least with a tornado you can know about 98% for sure where it is going to go and you can see it and there is some warning. Wild fires...the just kinda sneak up on ya. It is quite scary! BUT on the bright side...maybe it will make the neighbors dog run away? hmmmm..... Not really well yeah really I can't stand that dog or those people!

They drive me absoutly nuts! THEY are why the phrase Trailer Trash was invented!!!! The brat next door comes over here yesterday and doesnt knock or anything and just walks in...mind you Lane and I are the only ones here DJ is gone with Shelby and the car....Lane had not been out because of the wind and the smoke in the air. And Lane and I are on the couch watching a movie and in walks this kid....and I am like hello...what are you doing...and I am not kiddin this kid says "Oh I didn't know you were here!!!" WHAT....you make a habit of trying to just walk in our house? He says no....I am like then why did you come over here....go get your parents...of course his parents aren't home....he is watching his 7 year old sister and he is 9! I couldn't believe it after all the hell these people have gone though with trying to get their kids back and they do something stupid like leaving them alone!!! HOW NUTS is that? STUPID OKIES!!!!! Anyway...I never did see the parents come home so before they go to w ork this morning I will be going over there and talking to them...NOT that it will do any good..... Some people you just can't reason with!!! And I have a feeling that kid has already made up a story that even the most gulliable person wouldn't believe but his parents will...they are the apple of their eye and he does no wrong!!! Not even when the kid was picking on my daughter...the mom told Shelby to sock him on one of these days...well she did and now it is all over the neighborhood that she is a bully!!! Which no one believes after spending 5 minutes with this kid! OK I am gonna get off the WT neighbors.....they just piss me off!

This is why we are looking for somewhere new to live...that and buying just makes more sense!!! Why pay 450 a month to live somewhere that someone else owns and live under their rules...when you can spend that much and be buying the land and house? There are some great deals happening around here and I wanna get in on one.It is like I was telling a friend....I want a new Tahoe....(HAHAHAHA) and by the time it is all said and done I would be spending 30-40 grand on one....and have it paid off in 5-6 years...right...well why not take that same amount of money get 2-3 acres (13-14 grand) and buy a used trailer house or ready built (20-25 grand) (total 33-39 grand) and have it paid off in the same amount of time? Figured that would be the best thing to do!!!! And we found some decent land already developed....I will keep ya posted...I don't wanna talk about it to much...I have this thing about jinxing things by talking about them to much....DJ thinks I am nutso because he doesn't believe in that kind of thing...BUT I believe if you are talking about it to much you tend to get your hopes up and you end up being disappointed no matter how hard you try not to be!!! SOMETHING doesnt go right...but if you keep your hopes and bragging to yourself you will be blessed for being humble....Still trying to get him to realize that! I will someday!!!!!

OK well I have an update from DJ and Shelbys trip to Boulder...... They got their last night and I am not sure if it happened while they were there are right before they got there but Uncle John was putting up a gun and it went off and blew his hand all apart....so Uncle John is in the hospital and he and Shelby are on their way down to get Zachary! Wasted trip....wasted time.....wear and tear on my car....money ect....and someone still has to go get Shane...but now DJ is going to have to stick around and help get the building going....or at least that will be the excuse which is fine if he gets paid for all of it...can't live on helping dad with no money coming in!!! Not that helping his dad bugs me because it doesn't...I know why he does and that is cool with me...I would help my dad out too if I could....but we still need to eat and have electricity and a place to live and all that good stuff. Anyways.....I know he will be compensated for it...BUT in the mean time I still need to get a trip put together and I have ONE no TWO horses to come back with and that is it!!!! OH and one possibly to go up! NO wait I don't have that one just yet either. It is frustrating!!!!

OK Well rambling is what I do but I gotta go!!!!! Have a wonderful day everyone!!!! Those in Cali....stay dry...don't float away....those in Texas pray for rain and no wind and no more fires!!!