I am scared
I am afraid
I am worried
I am concerned
I am hurt
I am mad
And honestly there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it! I am facing something today I should not have to face! Innocent till proved guilty huh? Well I feel like I have been conviceted of something I didn't do! I know that isn't the case..I have just been charged with something I KNOW I didn't do! And no one will stand beside me and tell them that! This one is on me!
Years and years and years of abuse by a woman who was suppose to love me no matter what and protect me from the evils of the world! And she did not. The many many times she beat me to a the point that I could not even protect myself...and NEVER did I do this to her. The one time I said NO MOM you aren't having some strange man stay in my home with my children and my sister and this is the repay! 7 years later and 2 years after her death! She never told me she did this! Maybe she thought it went away...maybe she was so drunk she didn't remember doing it maybe I am just making excuses again for a woman who never did find the time to tell me she stabbed me in the back!
People witnessed her abuse to me and Amanda, and when people would try to stand up for us...Mother would turn on her charm and it would all be over. We were to afraid to tell the truth about what happened till one day I did! I TOLD THE TRUTH I stood up for my sister and myself and they didn't believe me. Brused battered black eyes and all I stood up and said no more....The case worker told my mother I needed help! I made up lies...because you see the truth was so out there that no one believed it! So off to shrink after shrink after shrink I went...till finally one said NO she isn't nuts the mother is! That was the last shrink she took me too!
So today I will stand up again....hopefully someone will take me seriously as an adult! My hopes for today is that this is all done and taken care of by noon! And I am free to move on with my life. Free to let go of the anger and the depression that she has stuck me in for so many years. Free to be the Mother to my children I never had. Free to let my sisters go on with their lives without having to watch out for them! Free to find Shannon!
Because for so long Shannon has been defined by Debby....and I want to break those chains. I want to move on with it and remember the few good times there were. Not the jealousies that I felt when I learned to read better, or the prom I got to go to or the marriage that has lasted no matter what anyone did. Free of the anger she had for me...towards me for runing her life. And free to look up at the sky and say No mom you were wrong...It does matter what you do to me...and then blow it away with the wind!
Then a new chapter can begin...healing, hope, faith, peace and love! I can be free of the bonds she put on me and be free to be Shannon!
I am afraid
I am worried
I am concerned
I am hurt
I am mad
And honestly there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it! I am facing something today I should not have to face! Innocent till proved guilty huh? Well I feel like I have been conviceted of something I didn't do! I know that isn't the case..I have just been charged with something I KNOW I didn't do! And no one will stand beside me and tell them that! This one is on me!
Years and years and years of abuse by a woman who was suppose to love me no matter what and protect me from the evils of the world! And she did not. The many many times she beat me to a the point that I could not even protect myself...and NEVER did I do this to her. The one time I said NO MOM you aren't having some strange man stay in my home with my children and my sister and this is the repay! 7 years later and 2 years after her death! She never told me she did this! Maybe she thought it went away...maybe she was so drunk she didn't remember doing it maybe I am just making excuses again for a woman who never did find the time to tell me she stabbed me in the back!
People witnessed her abuse to me and Amanda, and when people would try to stand up for us...Mother would turn on her charm and it would all be over. We were to afraid to tell the truth about what happened till one day I did! I TOLD THE TRUTH I stood up for my sister and myself and they didn't believe me. Brused battered black eyes and all I stood up and said no more....The case worker told my mother I needed help! I made up lies...because you see the truth was so out there that no one believed it! So off to shrink after shrink after shrink I went...till finally one said NO she isn't nuts the mother is! That was the last shrink she took me too!
So today I will stand up again....hopefully someone will take me seriously as an adult! My hopes for today is that this is all done and taken care of by noon! And I am free to move on with my life. Free to let go of the anger and the depression that she has stuck me in for so many years. Free to be the Mother to my children I never had. Free to let my sisters go on with their lives without having to watch out for them! Free to find Shannon!
Because for so long Shannon has been defined by Debby....and I want to break those chains. I want to move on with it and remember the few good times there were. Not the jealousies that I felt when I learned to read better, or the prom I got to go to or the marriage that has lasted no matter what anyone did. Free of the anger she had for me...towards me for runing her life. And free to look up at the sky and say No mom you were wrong...It does matter what you do to me...and then blow it away with the wind!
Then a new chapter can begin...healing, hope, faith, peace and love! I can be free of the bonds she put on me and be free to be Shannon!
