Exactly what the blog is titled!

This blog is titled Ramblings of me so that is what you are going to get this morning!

I have a million things on my mind and it is all swirlling around in my head and if I don't get it out my head will explode!

First of all...DJ found a job! NO I am not happy about it. It only pays 10 bucks an hour, and I dont' know about you but 10 bucks an hour doesn't support a family! Especially when you have to drive 35 miles one way to get there every day in a car whose gas mileage is getting worse by the day and the trannie is about to fall out! BUT he doesn't want to go back over the road, so therefore no matter who this turns out, my dream of going back to school is put on hold AGAIN! Because of what he wants. He wants to be around to do the soccer thing with the kids, which I cant help but to think it isn't because of our kids! Since our daughter got about 3 minutes of play time last game and lets see who has been in the yard working with her...hmmm...that would be me! I would show you a pic, BUT LOL He was to busy playing video games to do it! Yeah can ya tell I am not to happy! OK I am truely pissed actually!!!
I have lost all interest in most anything these days....I have played more tetris than any one human should be allowed! I did however make a deal with Judy yesterday that she wouldn't let me back out of the whole school thing... well Judy...it is either go to school, work and figure out when I have time for my kids, my friends and OH yeah taking a bath, or I get a freaking job and pray that my kids dont' get lost in the whole I am tried or I need to get ready for work! Yes I do understand that women do this every day...and I would like to say that he would be there to help me out with it all, but when it comes to doc appts, dentist appts, school teacher confrences, getting them from school when they don't feel well, homework, brushing their teeth, shit like that...ALLL of that is on me! And I LOVE that job! That is my favorite job! Working from home is the perfect job for a medium effected agoraphobic! Yes it has been since Tuesday since I have left the house...oh I take that back I walked to the dumpster yesterday, which BTW is something else that pisses me off....it was just dumped Wednesday, and it is already full, we put one bag of trash in there! I want a new place to live, but there is nothing open around here and it takes cash to move, LMAO like that is something we have!
I am worried that Michael won't show with Zach tomorrow, I have called every day and he doesn't answer his phone! Of course me not being allowed to talk to my son for a week is just great for my state of mind these days! I HATE THAT!! And I dont' know what to do about it! I guess that ONE time when he called and it was after 8pm and Zach was ASLEEP...I guess I get to pay for that over and over and over! I honestly hate people sometimes! Whatever will be will be! I can't change anything at this point!

Then yesterday all hell breaks loose and I am the biggest bitch! But hey whatelse is new! I tell him this job is going to force me to go back to work and in the most pathetic kicking rocks tone he says well I guess Iwill just have to go back over the road so YOU can have your dream! Yeah because that is my way of doing things! ME ME ME...it has always been about ME! Anyone who has known me more than 5 minutes knows that it has NEVER been about me! But he treats me as it is! So fine....what I wantwill wait again! I am in the process of looking for a job that will pay for my gas! Because that is basically all I am qualified to do! MINUS the resturant (see I can't even spell it) business! I can go back to managing again...which will by all means put me in an early grave, but hey as long as he doesn't have to go back OTR!!!! All is well! HE got all pissy with me yesterday because his mother showed up and I am in my office minding my own business and she comes in trying to make small talk which she is only doing because she thinks she has too...and I tell her there is no need in it! I don't need to talk to her about shit I don't care about nor does she have to talk to me just because I am married (and I use that term loosly) to her son! She stomps off out of here...which I honestly don't give a shit! Really I don't! She doesnt' have to talk to me....actually I would prefer for her not to! Yeah that may be sorta bitchy...LMAO but anyone who knows knows it is better for me not to talk to her!
Then I had to burst his bubble about Alaska! ONE there is no treatment center for the boys, two it is to damn expensive to live there...we can't even make it in one of the cheapest places on the planet to live...how are we gonna make it in one of the most expensive? Isn't happening!


OK Now listen....I know that the last few weeks have been so very rough on us...and that stress seems to be pulling us apart....granted shit didn't go down the way it should have! And yes there may be a chance I have been somewhat bitchy! I have my reasons! I won't go into all of them right now! Those in the need to know know!!! And that would be me! LOL And sometimes I dont' think I know what the hell is going on! I know he has been through a lot this last few weeks...and poor him I feel so bad! NOT! I wonder if all the Im so sorrys that went out to him did anyone realize it was ME who put in the hours to do the web site it was me that got all the stuff together for the loan, it was ME who booked all the horses, who BTW I didn't give to either his dad or wayne...I gave them to someone else! Yes I know kinda shitty, but then again what they did was pretty nasty too! It was ME who spent hours and hours doing advertising...lets see what did he do for Family Tradition...yeah thats right...he spent money, he came up with a name, he drove me to the city so I could do the paper work for the LLC, hmmm what else...Oh yea he hounded ME to get shit done! When I said I was heartbroken for him, it is because I feel bad that he had to find out this way what his dad was all about! If anyone got crushed and used in this deal...he did....I agree....who suffered the most....whos to say for me to say it was me would be so selfish...I just want to point out that it was ME that did 99% of the work for Family Tradition! I turned MY bedroom into an office, so that I could have a nice place to work! He isnt here that much, or at least he wasn't, and so I am the one that gave up something. Oh yeah and I put school aside for a while so I could help him get this thing off the ground! And again when I put my foot down saying I want something...it really doesn't matter.

Sometimes I wonder who gives what in this relationship! Who would jump in front of a bullet for who! IT sure doesnt feel like he would for me! Sucks when reality hits you so fucking hard it knocks you down! And that is exactly what has happened to me! Reality set in! And yes Kaci is right, you can only rely 100% on yourself. But I always thought when you are married to someone they are there for you....good, bad and ugly! They are there. They let you shine when it is your turn to shine! BUt I am quickly realizing that it isn't about me...it never has and it never will be! Maybe Anna was right maybe once Lane is old enough I will be able to walk away! Gee for someone who didn't want to turn into her mom I sure am!

There are three little people that come first! I come last when it comes to them, but I thought that maybe once I could come before him! That he would give a little a few months! But that isnt' gonna happen! And to say anything about it I am just being a selfish bitch!
So this selfish bitch is gonna sign off for now! Because rambling is so unbecomming of a bitch!