Saturday!

Well what a week this has been! Changes happening all over the place and things could not have been nuttier!!!! Someone asked me when I was going to actually breakdown....not that little bits and peices of emotion....just let it all poor out.....

Sorry to all of you who expect that of me...maybe it is life maybe it is that I don't want too!!! I dont' feel that my mother deserves my tears anymore!!! I know shitty I know mean...you can say what you want but when it comes to where I came from...there just isn't much emotion there anymore...indifference! Yes I know I am full of shit.....but at this point till I get though all of this.....it will have to be indifference! Later I will deal with the emotions that come along with it all! BUT as for now.....they will stay hidden! It is better that way!

I honestly appreciate the people who apologized for not taking this thing as serious as I was! For apologizing and saying what they thought...that I was overreacting......I do appreciate that NOW you recognize just how serious this is!!!

I really have put a lot of thought into pleaing out of this. Just to make it stop! But as DJ said....it isn't me! IT just isn't me to take the blame for something I know I didn't do!!!! I have never been one to take injustice and I don't want to start now! Honestly I am going to see what my lawyer has to say about the whole deal...and if I have to I will go to trial...I dont' want to do that though! Honestly I don't! I want it to be done!!! I want MY LIFE back! You know that life that doesn't have judges and lawyers in it! That life that cops aren't a threat...LMAO That life where I can be the mom my kids have always known! Not the mom that has to find somewhere for them to go because she might be going to jail!

I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want me back!!! I want for Debby to stop controling my life!!!!! I want her words to go away and for me to be done with her! I want to mourn my mother, you know that mom I had from 1976-1984! Not the mom post '84! And the only way to do that is for this to be over with! DAMN IT I was doing so good before this!!! I was happy well sorta but my unhappiness is something I created! NOT anyone else!! Minus that one!

Now onto that ONE person whom I don't want to have anymore to do with! I spoke with him about that! I did make it clear to him that she no longer gets my help! She no longer gets my respect! Calling him yesterday morning...HOURS after I was suppose to have her watch the kids, and played dumb!!!! He knows it I know it and I am sick and fucking tired of it! I am sick of her shit! I am sick of her give me give me give me and getting NOTHING but grief in return! All he can say is OH I am gonna let her know I am mad and what she did was wrong and I said and she is gonna go one of two ways...Oh I am sorry she never called, which is a lie lie lie lie lie lie!!! And he knows it he tried calling her...or she is gonna get pissed and say fuck you which is something he can't handle!!! FUCK! I am screwed either way! Do you know how many times I have considered telling him it is either me or her! But what good would that do? Not a damn bit! NOT ONE BIT!!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO I don't feel better!!! Anyways...on the bright side.....I got my high speed and I will be super fast come Wednesday! The kick ass part didn't have to pay anything up front!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!

Better run! Shan