I was sitting here this morning thinking about the Oprah show that was on yesterday that I didn't finish watching. Which for me is typical.....I never finish shows like that. I just don't buy into all of it. And yesterday they had a man and woman on there that he had cheated on her with her best friend. And pretty much the only two things I agreed with were A it wasn't the wives fault....it wasn't that she wasn't pretty enough it wasn't that she wasn't good enough...could have some to do with the controlling ways, yet that should have been up to the husband to say listen you controlling heffer you need to stop that! And 2 that woman wasn't her friend at all! Let alone best friend. I have only had a few of those in my life, and I have only been someone's a few times in my life. I did have a friend long ago, that I could have done this too! But I chose not too...well actually there was no thought in it at all! He was married to someone I concerned a very good friend, and I couldn't imagine her doing that to me! I have thought about it years and years later and realized that I am a good friend...I didn't fuck her husband and I didn't tell her about it either. Why cause her unnecessary worry! Although I am sure since I wouldn't he did find someone else to! But that isn't something I have to deal with! I had to deal with the there and then and I did with a clean conscious!
However I have been on the other end of that and there are many many reasons as to why someone would cheat! Mine was loneliness and the inability to deal with my reality! I ended up having to face that reality and more! Because by the time it was all said and done there was a lot more to deal with then there had been to begin with. It isn't something I recommend to anyone! Although I know how it happens and I see it every day someone doing this to someone else.
I have also been on the receiving end of it! WAY before I was on the giving end! Yeah because that makes it better and all! *insert eye roll* It was the most painful thing I have had to deal with in our marriage. I had to forgive...and I had to learn how to trust again....some people can't get over there...some people never learn how to trust again! Some just go though the motions because they don't' know what else to do! But all those are lies.....and you can't live your life in a big ole lie!!!!
I don't' know if I will ever fully trust him again and I don't' think he will fully trust me again! I do however do my best to NOT get myself in a situation where it would cause him to worry! There has been a time or two lately that I have wondered about his trust in me. Asking me strange questions, wondering what I am doing! I can say this...there is no one I want to do that with!
It not only cheats your spouse but you are cheating your children and most importantly YOURSELF!!! It is a temporary fix to a permanent problem! Did my affair fix my problems...no it sure didn't! It made me realize a lot of things about myself. And I also realized that I was hurting the person I was having the affair with! We were both lying to the universe! Had I truly loved him the way I thought I did...or like I wanted to I would not have put him though that either! Yes I said love...there is a certain level of love that I still have for this person, knowing what I put him though! I did want him to shake the shit out of me and say STOP this....one or the other.....he never did and the only conclusion I can come up with that is that he didn't love me either....he did but not the way I wanted to be, needed to be!!!
I am so very sorry to him for the frustration I put him though! I really am! I am even more sorry to myself for what I put me though! It was so stupid! I could have made a choice and when I finally did so many feeling had been hurt and something's could never be taken back! Does DJ know about it all...no and I am a FIRM believer that unless you really really want and answer to your questions PLEASE by all means don't ask! Details aren't important! I didn't ask details about his time with someone else. Because honestly I don't care!!!!!!! There isn't one ounce of me that cares! It is to painful. Yes some say the imagination is worse....BUT I don't believe that...hearing the words out of the person you thought you could trusts mouth.....just twists the hell outta that knife! And there ends up being a rip in the fabric that can never be repaired!
I speak all this from experience! Would I ever do it again...NO....would he...I don't think so....Ask him the same thing you will get the same answer! See even years later....the trust is still being mended!
Was it worth the pain and heartache and wondering? 4 years out of it....yeah someday's I think it was. Others I know it was. If this doesn't work out between he and I...it isn't from lack of trying! But it has to be honest trying! It has to be honest feelings being said and NOT getting mad at communication! Because when it comes down to it that is the reason it happens! There is a breach in communication! You don't' trust the person well enough in the first place to let them know you are feeling boxed in or you hate the way that things are going or whatever! It isn't some emotional tear from childhood! Although I will say this.....as a child we learn how to communicate! But as an adult we learn how to prefect it! SO you can't blame the fact that mommy was a bitch to daddy or daddy was a drunk....after a certain point...you should be out in the world enough to realize right and wrong! NO matter what! Did I have an affair because Mommy didn't' love me enough or Dad forgot I existed? No I had an affair because WE had problems! My parents had nothing to do with it! Did DJ do what he did because his mom is an alcoholic crack head....naw....doesn't have anything to do with it! Did he do it because his dad does it and gets away with it...well there could have been some ideas that were planted there!
OK I am just rambling on and on now! Shan
