Confession.........

Confession.......

I have a confession....I am going to finally admit something that I
have known for about 4 years. I am an agoraphobic. I have a mild case of it...well ok so it is a medium case...agoraphobia you can have in different degrees from what I understand. And mine is about the middle....I can still hide it pretty well. Or at least I thought I could.... I thought if I was quirky about certain things....no one would question me! HA! Yeah well that isn't the case anymore....I can't be a bitch about not wanting to go anywhere or play it off as being a hermit anymore. (and let me say...I am sorry to everyone who I have done that too)

OK first of all let me explain....I am a prefectionist....I have to be
perfect when it comes to everything...I know what my problem is
there...and I do my best to control that and over the years it has
gotten easier. And I can honestly say when my mother was alive she didnt help. BUT that is neither here nor there....just a little
background as to why I have NEVER told anyone about this. I was
diagnosed Feb of 2002. So next month it will be 4 years and I
have faked it all since then. I have had some bad bad bad experiences.

No one knows...and when I say no one I mean not even DJ. I have
never told him....he knows I was on meds for a while...he thinks
it was for depression. It wasn't....it was so I could walk outside and not freak out. I have faked it more and more this past couple of years. I have been crappy to him about going places, and the last couple of days it has gotten to a point that I am going to have to tell him. I don't want to.

Let me explain here...when I was diagnosed he and I were working out a lot of problems, we had just gotten back together
from a long seperation and had not begun talking about everything
and dealing with everything and I didn't know if we were going to
make it or not. THAT doesn't mean that over the course of the last
four years I haven't had the chance to tell him...because there has
been almost 1500 days we have had together since then that I could have told him. Therfore now I am so so scared to tell
him.....I don't want him to think I didnt trust in him enough to not tell him. The fact is....I was to and still am ashamed of this.

My mother had mental issues, my sisters have mental issues...Denise hasn't ever been diagnosed but Amanda has and so had mom...and if I remember correctly my grandmother had a nervous breakdown when I was about 6 and my aunt...I am
not sure about that...BUT I can't say that it wouldn't surprise me at all. So as you can see....I have a problem with thinking that the same thing could happen to me. I am ashamed....I was hoping and praying that this would not happen to me. BUT it did....and I can't ignore it and I can't pretend that this isn't happening. Because it is.

OK so things have happened over the course of the last month
that is forcing me to come out about this. DJ is begining to think I
am a nut case bitch because I won't leave the house right now....he says there has got to be a problem with me and trying to get me to
see someone for it. I don't have to....I know what is wrong and it is
time to tell him. I am scared...I am horified....I am not perfect and I have a problem and I have to force myself to do things that i don't wanna do and I cant stand to do and it scares me half to death to do them. I am not sure what is scarier...the thought of walking out my front door any farther than my mail box right now, or telling him. I am afraid he will be mad...and yes I have a complex with people being mad at me. But that is something I deal with and
will and have all my life.

NOW I dont know when I will tell him....last night I admited to
going to a concert that he didn't know I went to one time when he
was on a trip...I went because a bunch of my friends were going and they were all going to be drinking and I didnt want
them to drive drunk and it was a free thing for me so I went. I stayed sober enjoyed the concert and drove everyone home and came home and went to bed. That is it....and that was 10 years ago....trying to get him to understand that but the look on his face...yeah that said a lot to me.
Because he knows my ex was at the concert, whom I only saw
once...we didn't exactly hang with the same people....so I saw him
from across the pit once...he waved I said HI and that was it! Didn't see him again that night. BUT you convince DJ of that....

Some background....

Anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape
might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available
in the event of having an unexpected or situationally predisposed Panic
Attack or panic-like symptoms. Agoraphobic fears typically involve
characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the
home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge;
and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile.

This is typical....line...I hate standing in line...I have blamed it on
being impatient...but that isn't the truth at all.....being a crowd...that hasn't ever bothered me to bad....there are moments though that I get a little paniky....traveling...planes...gotta have some good drugs (legal) to get one a plane...just can't do it. Riding in the car...it is a real pain in the ass to have a panic stricken moment when you are in the car driving...which I have done....buses and trains...well I have never been on a train but buses bug me too. And bridges....well anyone who has been with me on even an over pass knows I dont' handle it well...try going across the I-10 bridge in Alablama....yes it is the longest bridge I have ever been on....it scared me to tears...then of course there is a tunnel at the end....OMG it was awful...DJ laughed it off...but it really wasn't funny! Try the ag station check going into Canada at Niagra Falls....yeah that made me get in the floorboard and cry. Again...blew it off as a quirk....isn't a quirk...there is a real real problem....

Criteria for Panic Attack:

A
discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four (or more) of
the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a
peak within 10 minutes: palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate sweating trembling or shaking sensations of shortness of breath or smothering feeling of choking chest pain or discomfort nausea or abdominal distress feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint derealization (feelings of unreality) or
depersonalization (being detached from oneself) fear of losing control or
going crazy fear of dying paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations) chills
or hot flushes At least one of the attacks has been followed by 1 month (or
more) of one (or more) of the following: persistent concern about having
additional attacks worry about the implications of the attack or its consequences (e.g., losing control, having a heart attack, "going crazy") a significant change in behavior related to the attacks

Panic attacks are what happen when I cant control having to leave
and I don't want too.....So there y'all have it. I am a nut job...certifiable! Now to tell my family. And my friends....people who know me best don't know me....I feel as if I have been living a lie for 4 years....and I am sorry for that. I don't want
pitty...or to be thought of a a whack job....and I am not going to take meds for it....there is plenty I can do to help myself...I
just have to do it. There are a lot of online support groups all of
which I have read but never posted. I am scared...I am worried...I am not sure how all of this is going to play out. I hope he realizes what it takes for me to admit this to him...to anyone. I have a problem...it is time to face it....I need support...and I have to have him there and have to have him know what is happening to me. Say a prayer for me..............because writting this all out is way easier than sitting down to tell him......S