This is gonna be long so be prepared!
OK I already wrote this part of it for something else BUT I will elaborate if needed!
It started last Thursday...My ex calls and says I am coming to get Zach tomorrow evening I say OK it is his weekend no biggie! He asks if I can meet him half way to pick him up on Sunday...I say no I don't think so but we will talk about it tomorrow when you pick him up! OK well Friday came along he picked him up and said nothing about half way so I assumed (my mistake) that he was going to bring him home, after all they just bought a brand new $40,000 car they can do it! Sat comes and goes I hear nothing from them, leave them both messages to have Zach call me...and of course nothing! Sunday morning 9am he calls and says well we are about ready to leave where do you wanna meet...I said I am not meeting you I already told you that! Well he gives me a few choice words and says I will call you back! Well after calling every 30 minutes from noon to 8PM I hear nothing! I leave message after message after message! I hear nothing! Mind you they are suppose to bring him in from Texas....I was starting to get worried! So finally at 8:30 that night his wife calls...and says Where have you been we have been waiting for you all day! &*&*(#$#(*#*(&(* Anyways...I blew....the custody papers were rewritten and I am suppose to come and get him in Texas...OK fine but that wasn't the agreement...LONG LONG story short...HE wouldn't get on the phone...SHE wouldn't let me talk to my son. Per our agreement I can have anyone pick Zach up and SHE wasn't gonna allow it! So I called the cops and a cop and my aunt went over there and got him. With the cop telling my sons step mother that if they don't release him they would be charged with kidnapping! So you can imagine how much of a BITCH I am now! I get him back the next day....my aunt met me half way with him...which I didn't want to have to do because my trannie is going out in my car! BUT I did it! After this woman, says I am not a good mom and I should not have had his father pay child support (BTW it is 117 a month) if I had not gone after him for child support then this would not be happening! OH and another thing, after I talked to the cop...he (the cop) said it was a pretty chicken shit move on their part and from what Zach told me the cop said that to them!
Well that made that LONG ASS story a whole lot shorter! Basically they messed up and they are gonna pay for it! I know there is a chance they could come across this blog so if anyone wants to know more than this then by all means email me and I will tell ya! But I am not gonna post my plans here! But if you know me any at all you know how nice I have been to these people! As Exs go....I could have been a huge bitch to them and messed with them and blah...BUT in the best interest of all involved INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY Zach I haven't done that! Besides...Michael and I were never meant to be together forever and I am the one that walked away from him knowing full well all the complications that there would be and I did it anyway! I am the one that told him to finally marry that thing he is married to now! I am the one who stood up for him in court and I am the one that has made sure that his son doesn't hate him! Zach and I have had lots and lots of conversations about why he shouldn't be mad at his father! BUT I am still the worthless non caring dont give a shit about my son MOM! SO fine....I know they feel the same way so be it....paperwork and witness say it all!
OK now after I get him home on Monday I gotta drive back over to DJs dads and pick him up....fine no biggie....then we go eat, come home and the converstion is had about Linus (keith) staying with us for a couple of weeks till he has enough money to get in his own place...OK fine...but honestly I am rethinking that one because I realize just how private of a person I am and I am a creature of habit and I dont like people! PERIOD DOT! Anyways...I will work though that and I am sure things will not last long!
Then after all this I realize just how hurt I am not pissed at the way someone handled this entire situation! With knowing what Michael and Jamie were pulling and not picking up the phone and calling me and saying hey you didnt' hear this from me but this is what is going on! I am not pissed about it...I wanted to be but I had to be honest with myself and realize it wasn't anger...I was hurt...still am somewhat! BUT anyways...she and I talked and all is worked out! At least for now! LOL (just kidding YOU know who)
SO then the whole desk thing happened! ARRR that was a mess...fun when it was all said and done! Then we go get our LLC this week and do some car shopping which I HATE HATE HATE I can't stand carsalesman! They piss me off! They treat you like you are a fucking idiot helpless woman...I cant' stand that!!! I actually had one ask me one time well does your husband know where you are? I walked away! Wrote a NASTY letter to his boss and his bosses boss and come to find out the head of the entire thing A WOMAN! That ass got fired!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!
Then yesterday I work my ass off trying to get soccer stuff done and work on top of that...my trip I am planning for DJ is falling apart (wink judy) and I am trying to get something else working for him! We go put 5 bucks in the slots at the casino which is about 5 miles from our house...shoot I dont' think it is even that far....and I won 8 bucks back and Linus wouldn't hurry up so I ended up putting my cash back in and loosing my rear end! OH well it was fun!
Then I had a meeting with the kids special ed teacher and have decided that I am putting Zach in threapy! That is a long story I won't go into but it is needed! Again if ya wanna know email I will tell ya!
Nice meeting...he was on the phone half of the time I was there but we did talk and Shelby is kickin ass and doing great! Mainstream minus reading by the end of the year!
Well....I have to get breakfast made and get busy....gonna clean the shit out of this house today..TOP TO BOTTOM FRONT TO BACK! I am getting so sick from being in here...and I KNOW it isn't as bad as some *wink Kaci* but it bugs the shit out of me!
OK I am gonna go! Love to you all!!! Man how I miss so many of you! Maybe a trip to Vega would be nice minus the fact that is where his father lives and I have no desire to be around anything that has to do with them at this moment!!!
HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND ALL!!! I am going to try to finish the story sometimes this weekend!!! Shannon
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Stranger in the World
As many of you know I have spent the better part of my adult life married. Married to someone that NO ONE would have ever put me with...LMAO I wouldn't have put me with!
With all that said...he isn't that bad of a person, and does whatever it takes to make me happy! But I also learned years ago that I cannot expect him to be like me because he isn't! He is content with his world! I on the other hand have always felt like I dont belong! Those of you who know me best know how this has been a struggle for me.
I tend to over think everything and when I don't over think it I under think it! Like I told DJ yesterday if the world worked the way I think it should...well we would be in much better shape! All of us would! BUT since being a world leader is such a stressful job and a job that requires you get on a plane and leave the confines and comforts of home more than you stay there that isn't gonna be me!
SO the only world I have some control over is my own that I live in!
With all that said....I have been having a hard time with my world as of late. I wished this was some sort of brain fart PMS bull shit that I would get over quickly...BUT it isn't! Been over the PMS for a week or two now and I still feel the same, and had to admit I was feeling this way WAY before the lastest bout of PMS....SO with all that said
I am seriously unhappy with the way life is going and I have to stand up and change it...how exactly I am gonna do that...I don't know yet. I want to be happy...I want that contentment that I see in him and how happy he is....right now...I don't have it and I have been searching for it!
I once had a wise man tell me that I was searching for the impossible, Perfection, and unless I think I have it I won't ever truly be happy! And ya know what he is right! I have spent my entire life trying to be the perfect everything, child, wife, mom, friend, person! Because that is what was expected from me for a while from my mother...then that fell to the way side BUT I pick up on it! If I am not perfect at it all I am shit! And I have done this to myself!!!! I have to be the best of the best of the best! STUPID as it sounds if that isn't the case I feel like a faluire! And failing isn't an option!
SO I am not going to do this to myself anymore. I am gonna stand up and change things....starting with this fucking house! I hate this house...BUT it is affordable and I can manage it...just gotta figure out how! So today starts the day when I transform this house back into MY HOME! There is crap everywhere because I haven't taken the time to clean anything or do laundry in a week or anything like that. That is what happens when you get yourself in that depressed funk and can't break out! SO beginning today I will no longer feel like I don't belong in my own home! I think that is a great place to start!
We have a guy, Keith aka Linus staying with us...which is fine....because it is only a couple of weeks till his house is ready! And I am ok with that...BUT DJ and I need to have some alone time and no not to have sex...there just hasn't been on conversation we have had that hasn't been monitered by someone else as of late! That pisses me off...as most of you know I am a very private person...and I don't share well with others! That is just the honest truth! OK with all this said....
Back to the stranger of the world....Kaci was telling me yesterday not to feel like I can't say a lot about some things like drugs and alcohol abuse because I have never done drugs, Ok well I smoked pot before my kids were born, and I can drink like a fish, BUT I dont' drink that much! I have a complex with it since it was beginning to get out of hand and DJ said I was acting like my mom...and everyone took cover...which I didn't get pissed, he was right, I was acting like her! So I backed off...and in the last well I can't say year before still a year ago we were living in Adrian and I was drinking every night almost! But since we have been in OK I can count on one hand how many times I have drank and I have gotten just plum ass shit faced no times since we have been here! I think I am needing that release! That blow off some steam, but as with everything I am an over thinker and I think there are only a few people I can get that shit faced with! And NONE of them live here! DJ doesnt drink, Keith aka Linus likes to drink, but I gotta have someone I can conversate with and well anyways.....Kaci isn't here...Denise isn't here...Shane isn't here...Anna isn't here...so therefore most of my drinking buds are not here...therefore I don't do it! BUT Kaci is coming I know for sure the week of the 27th because we are going to the Aerosmith concert....and I know we will be doing some drinking then!
OK somehow this went from feeling alone in the world to I need to get drunk! LMAO>....which isnt necessarly the truth! Companionship from people I care about and like to spend time with is something I am really needing!
And the whole not feeling like I belong....well that is a feeling I have had to get used to....feeling like the freak of the group....that is normal for me....I hate it I can't stand it...but it is normal for me to feel totally out of place! That is what makes me me! I have another post I wanna do about age and how it changes a person...but right now I gotta go! TTYahllS Shan
With all that said...he isn't that bad of a person, and does whatever it takes to make me happy! But I also learned years ago that I cannot expect him to be like me because he isn't! He is content with his world! I on the other hand have always felt like I dont belong! Those of you who know me best know how this has been a struggle for me.
I tend to over think everything and when I don't over think it I under think it! Like I told DJ yesterday if the world worked the way I think it should...well we would be in much better shape! All of us would! BUT since being a world leader is such a stressful job and a job that requires you get on a plane and leave the confines and comforts of home more than you stay there that isn't gonna be me!
SO the only world I have some control over is my own that I live in!
With all that said....I have been having a hard time with my world as of late. I wished this was some sort of brain fart PMS bull shit that I would get over quickly...BUT it isn't! Been over the PMS for a week or two now and I still feel the same, and had to admit I was feeling this way WAY before the lastest bout of PMS....SO with all that said
I am seriously unhappy with the way life is going and I have to stand up and change it...how exactly I am gonna do that...I don't know yet. I want to be happy...I want that contentment that I see in him and how happy he is....right now...I don't have it and I have been searching for it!
I once had a wise man tell me that I was searching for the impossible, Perfection, and unless I think I have it I won't ever truly be happy! And ya know what he is right! I have spent my entire life trying to be the perfect everything, child, wife, mom, friend, person! Because that is what was expected from me for a while from my mother...then that fell to the way side BUT I pick up on it! If I am not perfect at it all I am shit! And I have done this to myself!!!! I have to be the best of the best of the best! STUPID as it sounds if that isn't the case I feel like a faluire! And failing isn't an option!
SO I am not going to do this to myself anymore. I am gonna stand up and change things....starting with this fucking house! I hate this house...BUT it is affordable and I can manage it...just gotta figure out how! So today starts the day when I transform this house back into MY HOME! There is crap everywhere because I haven't taken the time to clean anything or do laundry in a week or anything like that. That is what happens when you get yourself in that depressed funk and can't break out! SO beginning today I will no longer feel like I don't belong in my own home! I think that is a great place to start!
We have a guy, Keith aka Linus staying with us...which is fine....because it is only a couple of weeks till his house is ready! And I am ok with that...BUT DJ and I need to have some alone time and no not to have sex...there just hasn't been on conversation we have had that hasn't been monitered by someone else as of late! That pisses me off...as most of you know I am a very private person...and I don't share well with others! That is just the honest truth! OK with all this said....
Back to the stranger of the world....Kaci was telling me yesterday not to feel like I can't say a lot about some things like drugs and alcohol abuse because I have never done drugs, Ok well I smoked pot before my kids were born, and I can drink like a fish, BUT I dont' drink that much! I have a complex with it since it was beginning to get out of hand and DJ said I was acting like my mom...and everyone took cover...which I didn't get pissed, he was right, I was acting like her! So I backed off...and in the last well I can't say year before still a year ago we were living in Adrian and I was drinking every night almost! But since we have been in OK I can count on one hand how many times I have drank and I have gotten just plum ass shit faced no times since we have been here! I think I am needing that release! That blow off some steam, but as with everything I am an over thinker and I think there are only a few people I can get that shit faced with! And NONE of them live here! DJ doesnt drink, Keith aka Linus likes to drink, but I gotta have someone I can conversate with and well anyways.....Kaci isn't here...Denise isn't here...Shane isn't here...Anna isn't here...so therefore most of my drinking buds are not here...therefore I don't do it! BUT Kaci is coming I know for sure the week of the 27th because we are going to the Aerosmith concert....and I know we will be doing some drinking then!
OK somehow this went from feeling alone in the world to I need to get drunk! LMAO>....which isnt necessarly the truth! Companionship from people I care about and like to spend time with is something I am really needing!
And the whole not feeling like I belong....well that is a feeling I have had to get used to....feeling like the freak of the group....that is normal for me....I hate it I can't stand it...but it is normal for me to feel totally out of place! That is what makes me me! I have another post I wanna do about age and how it changes a person...but right now I gotta go! TTYahllS Shan
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