Do you ever feel like no matter where you go or what you do or where you are or what you have become (yes I realize I repeated myself) you just don't belong?
You feel like you give something your all and you love something or someone so much, and you get nothing in return?
I felt at one time that there was a place I belonged and was accepted and was needed...sadly I realized that isn't the case...there or not it doesn't matter....honestly I didn't make the impact I thought I would or did.
I went back "home" this weekend, and it is so true, you can't go home again....they say around there nothing changes, that is BS! Everything changes....
And this isn't just about going back home this is about a fork in the road of life for me...what to do where to go what to be who to be all of that. Most people smarten up and do this in their early 20's! I was busy being a full time Mom then...I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to be....
I am gonna hit 30 soon, and my kids are getting old enough that I am not needed full time, just when they need me! And that is hard to come to terms with, then I thought well I have this or that...I don't have that either.
It is amazing when you have gotten something in your head the way things are..then something happens and you realize, all of what you put into it Didn't really matter. No one noticed, and worse than that, no one cares.
I asked myself a question yesterday, if I were to go away, would anyone but my family notice? If I dropped off the face of the Earth for a few weeks, would anyone bother to say hey where are you? What happened to you? Where did you go? I can't answer that...because I dont know.
Geeze I just read that and it sounds pathetic.....I guess I am searching for something only I can find, it isn't going to fall into my lap! I have to go out there and get it...but do you really have it? What is tangable? (not sure I spelled that right) What is lasting, where will you be in a year, and will the same people be in it? Does anyone notice you?
NEVER in my life have I felt so unknown than I do right now! Maybe it is because I don't have anyone here...I live in an area I have lived in for a year, and I don't even know my neighbors name! Not from lack of trying. I have knocked on the door a couple of times to say hello.....too busy....isn't like back home where I know everyone and have for years....I dont have family here, not that I would if I went back there either. They are all gone, minus my dad, who doesn't seem to even know where he is much these days.
Depression sucks, I am hoping that being out on the road with DJ will help. Not sure they will but hell it is worth a shot! It is so funny, for years it was me whose phone rang off the hook, and DJ sat by and watched and never said a word. Now it is him! It is strange being on the other side. Maybe that is what I need....humble my ass a little who knows!!!
Seems that I have been though the humbling experience a lot lately. Guess what I am trying to say is.....I dont know! Just random ramblings! Gotta go! S
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3 comments:
Oh Shany, I'm sorry you are going through this. I want you to know that I would miss you and wonder where you are. I check your blog all the time and your myspace just to see what's up with you. I know I don't email or IM you enough but I do think about you. I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope you can find yourself and where you belong.
Hugs! Jenny Joe
Wow Shan! I don't know what to say. I do know the feeling thought. But when I was feeling that way was when you and I became such good friends. I think that we all go through this at one point or another in our lives and really wonder do they really care or are they just putting on a show? Are they gonna be there for me or take advantage of me then run off? For the longest time I was the one who had all the fun, got in all the trouble and went to all the parties, then I became a mom and all that changed and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. You and DJ helped me to find a happy medium in my life and start to figure out who the hell I was and where I needed to be. I think that you and I just center our lives on the people that "need" us and we think we have to take care of and forget to take a minute sometimes to be Kaci and Shannon not Mom and wife. I love you dearly Shannon. I have for what-23 years or so. Never forget that and always know that we may not be together or talk as much as we used to but you will always belong in my life as my best friend.
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