Do you ever feel like no matter where you go or what you do or where you are or what you have become (yes I realize I repeated myself) you just don't belong?
You feel like you give something your all and you love something or someone so much, and you get nothing in return?
I felt at one time that there was a place I belonged and was accepted and was needed...sadly I realized that isn't the case...there or not it doesn't matter....honestly I didn't make the impact I thought I would or did.
I went back "home" this weekend, and it is so true, you can't go home again....they say around there nothing changes, that is BS! Everything changes....
And this isn't just about going back home this is about a fork in the road of life for me...what to do where to go what to be who to be all of that. Most people smarten up and do this in their early 20's! I was busy being a full time Mom then...I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to be....
I am gonna hit 30 soon, and my kids are getting old enough that I am not needed full time, just when they need me! And that is hard to come to terms with, then I thought well I have this or that...I don't have that either.
It is amazing when you have gotten something in your head the way things are..then something happens and you realize, all of what you put into it Didn't really matter. No one noticed, and worse than that, no one cares.
I asked myself a question yesterday, if I were to go away, would anyone but my family notice? If I dropped off the face of the Earth for a few weeks, would anyone bother to say hey where are you? What happened to you? Where did you go? I can't answer that...because I dont know.
Geeze I just read that and it sounds pathetic.....I guess I am searching for something only I can find, it isn't going to fall into my lap! I have to go out there and get it...but do you really have it? What is tangable? (not sure I spelled that right) What is lasting, where will you be in a year, and will the same people be in it? Does anyone notice you?
NEVER in my life have I felt so unknown than I do right now! Maybe it is because I don't have anyone here...I live in an area I have lived in for a year, and I don't even know my neighbors name! Not from lack of trying. I have knocked on the door a couple of times to say hello.....too busy....isn't like back home where I know everyone and have for years....I dont have family here, not that I would if I went back there either. They are all gone, minus my dad, who doesn't seem to even know where he is much these days.
Depression sucks, I am hoping that being out on the road with DJ will help. Not sure they will but hell it is worth a shot! It is so funny, for years it was me whose phone rang off the hook, and DJ sat by and watched and never said a word. Now it is him! It is strange being on the other side. Maybe that is what I need....humble my ass a little who knows!!!
Seems that I have been though the humbling experience a lot lately. Guess what I am trying to say is.....I dont know! Just random ramblings! Gotta go! S
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Gone
Hey All
Since life if returning to normal I will be gone for a few weeks!
I leave for Texas this weekend come back on sunday leave sunday or monday on the truck with DJ be back Friday or Saturday then off again on the 4th to Green Bay...back from there on the 9th or 10th! Then to Texas to get the kids and back here no later than the 14th!
Y'all have some wonderful weeks! See ya when I get back! Shan
Since life if returning to normal I will be gone for a few weeks!
I leave for Texas this weekend come back on sunday leave sunday or monday on the truck with DJ be back Friday or Saturday then off again on the 4th to Green Bay...back from there on the 9th or 10th! Then to Texas to get the kids and back here no later than the 14th!
Y'all have some wonderful weeks! See ya when I get back! Shan
DISMISSED!!!
OK here it is...
I got the best best best news I have gotten in a year yesterday!
They have dismissed all the charges against me for lack of evidence, because it never happened, and because they dont' have a witness, God rest her soul, and they realized that a charge from 7 years ago by a mentally unstable person was just pure BULLSHIT!!!!!!
I am doing the happy dance! Although now it is time to let her go! My mother and I had this turmoil that always went on between us and it was what kept us going....now I have to learn to live without it. I don't think it will be to hard!
I am however with this happening to me, reminded that she doesn't belong on a pedistal! She belongs in my heart and remembered just for the way she was, Dysfunctional, Alcoholic, Hateful, Unsatisfied with life woman, who was also MY MOTHER! Good or bad she IS my mom! She made me who I am today and yano I like me so Thanks! Good or bad whatever it was I am finally free of it, yet knowing it will always follow me!
Anyways, THANK YOU to everyone who was so wonderful to me though this and kept my spirits up and wouldn't let me quit!
I got the best best best news I have gotten in a year yesterday!
They have dismissed all the charges against me for lack of evidence, because it never happened, and because they dont' have a witness, God rest her soul, and they realized that a charge from 7 years ago by a mentally unstable person was just pure BULLSHIT!!!!!!
I am doing the happy dance! Although now it is time to let her go! My mother and I had this turmoil that always went on between us and it was what kept us going....now I have to learn to live without it. I don't think it will be to hard!
I am however with this happening to me, reminded that she doesn't belong on a pedistal! She belongs in my heart and remembered just for the way she was, Dysfunctional, Alcoholic, Hateful, Unsatisfied with life woman, who was also MY MOTHER! Good or bad she IS my mom! She made me who I am today and yano I like me so Thanks! Good or bad whatever it was I am finally free of it, yet knowing it will always follow me!
Anyways, THANK YOU to everyone who was so wonderful to me though this and kept my spirits up and wouldn't let me quit!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Got Tagged by Jenny Joe
I AM: at a loss to what to put here...been a while since I thought of an I am!
I WISH: This whole thing with my mom and court and stuff would be over with
I MISS: my sisters and my almost sisters!
I FEAR: That things will not turn out and I will flunk out of school or I will start doing it and hate it!
I HEAR: the news playing in the background and pray the world becomes a better place when my generation gets old enough to fix things that our parents gen screwed up!
I WONDER: If I am gonna be able to make it to Green Bay!
I REGRET:NOTHING! That is no way to live
I AM NOT: confident in myself.
I DANCE: with my lil man...he loves it and both of us look like we have some bad disease that is causing seizures!
I SING: all the time, to myself, to my kiddos, to anyone who listens, and I suck I know!
I CRY: not as much as I did a few years ago....things seem to have a way of working themselves out and I realized it doesn't require my tears to grow!
I AM NOT ALWAYS: patient with ignorance. Not stupidity...but just not knowing...I get very impatient when people don't know what I know! (retard I know)
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: My Life!
I WRITE: Checks for bills, letters to friends, and usually when I have something to say...which is everyday!
I CONFUSE: my poor husband a lot!
I NEED:to have certain people understand that I can't handle the negativity in my life much longer!
I SHOULD: be doing my homework,but here I sit!
I START:laundry all the time and my kiddo rocks because he finishes it!
I FINISH: Not quite everything I start! But most everything eventually!
I'll tag: YOU!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Fathers Day and more
Fathers Day
WOW what a wonderful day! Zach came home, we went down to Bricktown and ate at Toby Keith's I love this bar and grill....and came home and they kids played in the pool and I called my dad and we ate cake and watched movies, and as DJ put it I got my growth back! LOL
Here are some pics of the kiddos!!!! The lil girls are Zachs little sisters! All in all wonderful day!
Kids got DJ some new movies Smoky and the Bandit, and The Dukes of Hazzard and I got him a Sirius! He was very happy!!!! OH and not sure if I mentioned this....If you get a chance to go see Cars...DO IT!!!!! Shan
Lane and Reece Wow look at how they have grown!
Shelby and Shy....and that is michael in the background with his sunburn
And no I didn't get any good pics of Zach he wouldn't let me! LOL Imgaine that
Now these pics are the kids talking to DJ on the CB when he was on his way home! Lane's handle is Lil Man....Shelby hates anything we give her so whatever! She doesn't have one yet....but she will....Besides Daddy needs to realize lil girly names won't last to long...LOOK AT HER!!! LOL
And no I didn't get any good pics of Zach he wouldn't let me! LOL Imgaine that
Now these pics are the kids talking to DJ on the CB when he was on his way home! Lane's handle is Lil Man....Shelby hates anything we give her so whatever! She doesn't have one yet....but she will....Besides Daddy needs to realize lil girly names won't last to long...LOOK AT HER!!! LOL
Rained out!
Speaking of Hendricks Motorbitches...anyone happen to notice a certain #48's ego? I mean really...I can't stand Gordan, but he was right...they are teammates....Johnpuss has had his wins this year, he is first in the points, Gordan isn't a threat to his points.....why was he racing him like that and letting the rest of the pack catch up! HELLO don't bit the hand that feeds you!! OK I am gonna get off of that because I could go on and on about the top 10 reasons to boo Johnson!
NOW Gibbs racing had a hellofa day! I am sooo sorry Judy!!! I do have to say two years ago I couldn't stand Tony! He was an arrogant ass!!! The day I watched him win and climb the fence he put a smile on my face....watching him race though pain, kick ass, watching his newest commercials, love them, THe past couple of weeks he has been getting his ass kicked...and Jeff Fucking Green needs to give it up and go home! Oh and get a damn hair cut hun that 90's no hats country tour shit went out before it hit!!!!
BUT watching his interview with his dad yesterday, knowing he bought his dad a car, even though he might not be that good...rocks, getting spun by the spin master....Spinning that car around going to the garage, watching those to guys barely move because they knew he could handle it, and watching him beat the hell out of that car and being under it.....WOW MY new hero!!! Tell me this....what other driver have you ever seen get under the car and help and do his best to beat the car out? Granted could have been a way better way and good stragity for his crew to have him beat the car than get out on the track and beat someone there...hmmm...either way KUDOS Smoke!!!
Now for that three banger wreck JJ had...son of a wow....that is all I can say about that! I mean wow! That was a three banger!!!! And I can say this time it wasn't him being a hot rod! I like JJ don't get me wrong JUDY....I just think he makes those same ole rookie mistakes that they all made!!! He will get better!!
BUT LOOKIE LOOKIE at the point standings...where is Rookie Denny? OH and a little side bar, he has the same birthday only 6 years earlier than my lil sis!!!! Cool huh! He was having a decent day! And I hate to see it get rained out!
NOW JR...what a car...what a commercial...he was just kickin ass! But he said it in his post race interview, they made adjustments, and it didn't work...he was going to start sliding backwards, and honestly I don't think I could have watched that look on DJ's face one more week!!!
OK well that is all I have to say this week and one more Kudos to Bill Lester.....hey man 32nd rocks!!! Way to go!!! Shan
Sunday, June 18, 2006
OK OK OK
Yes I know I havent' posted in a while and I sure haven't posted about Nascar! OK first of all I want to say if you get the chance to go see Cars! GO GO GO don't walk RUN and see it!!!! Anyone that ever grew up or had anything to do with either racing or Rt 66 or both such as I have and a few others I know...it might actually bring a tear to your eye!!! Pixar totally out did themselves this time!!!! Dale Jr is in it a couple of times, as himself, very cool, but it is the story that is awesome not just the cars and racing! Although there is a scene in the beginning that shows a wreck, and OMG I have seen a few like that on asphalt and dirt...and you feel like you are right there with them! It is amazing! It hit my top three!! Right up there with Braveheart and anyone who knows me well knows I watch that movie at least once a month! If not more!!!!!
OK now onto Nascar for this week...Gotta say Lookie loo my man, ok correction, Alisha and I's (did I do that right Judy) man got the pole! Of course!!!! I mean duh, this is just like Atlanta and the other big tracks he kicks ass at! BUT WAIT HOLD THE PHONE
Suddenly, Denny Hamlin is a star. HELOO!!!!! Where have they been all year!!! Here is a link to the story http://www.nascar.com/2006/news/headlines/cup/06/16/bc.car.apautoracingnotes.ap/index.html
OK here is this weeks line up....
Now the fact that three of Hendrick motorbitches racing is right behind Kasey doesn't bother me at all...they have proven over the last few weeks that at least ONE of them has a brain in his head. Brian Vickers is leaving after this year, and he is good and I hope he gets with a team that will show that to the rest of us!!!!! Instead of their Rainhoe warrior and their cheatin non american bastard always getting the glory!!!
Seeing Dale JR make the top 10 kicks ass!! It is his time and now owning all the rights to his image and name proves he is becomming the man we all knew he could be! Mark Martin is always a great guy to root for...his only problem..he is toooo passive, but maybe that is what I like about him! The Biff is a good guy too, I am just waiting to see Jarrod on the hood of his car! OH I do wanna say this....that crash that Gordan took last week....That just proved that the new safety devices they have installed in the cars, drivers and track do pay for themselves!!!!
Rounding out the field is the usual suspects minus one...Tony is back there in what 17th? Does it bother me, hell no....he has proven himself over and over again!!!!
OK that is enough chatter for this week. Sorry it has been so long, but there ya go!!! And for a kick ass rant about the #48 car and how much of a lil bitch he is got to Judys myspace rant
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=63065347&blogID=128765545&MyToken=85bf603c-22c4-4b09-a970-ff7498be52cf
Just goes to show....when you are a little bitch you are a little bitch!!!!
Boogity Boogity Boogity!!!!! GO SEE CARS!!! Shan
OK now onto Nascar for this week...Gotta say Lookie loo my man, ok correction, Alisha and I's (did I do that right Judy) man got the pole! Of course!!!! I mean duh, this is just like Atlanta and the other big tracks he kicks ass at! BUT WAIT HOLD THE PHONE
The real story of the week....
Denny Hamlin! Now this is what NASCAR.com has to say about him
Suddenly, Denny Hamlin is a star. HELOO!!!!! Where have they been all year!!! Here is a link to the story http://www.nascar.com/2006/news/headlines/cup/06/16/bc.car.apautoracingnotes.ap/index.html
Now maybe it is because I know his biggest fan...I am not sure but DAMN IT he has been in the top 11-15 all year long!!!! He isn't a sudden star just because he won a race!!! He has been a star ever since Joe Gibbs, who is brilliant I might add, signed him!!!! I am sorry but he is going to reach superstar status! Right along with Kasey!!!
OK here is this weeks line up....
| 1 | 9 | Kasey Kahne |
| 2 | 24 | Jeff Gordon |
| 3 | 25 | Brian Vickers |
| 4 | 48 | Jimmie Johnson |
| 5 | 43 | Bobby Labonte |
| 6 | 8 | Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
| 7 | 01 | Joe Nemechek |
| 8 | 6 | Mark Martin |
| 9 | 07 | Clint Bowyer |
| 10 | 16 | Greg Biffle |
Now the fact that three of Hendrick motorbitches racing is right behind Kasey doesn't bother me at all...they have proven over the last few weeks that at least ONE of them has a brain in his head. Brian Vickers is leaving after this year, and he is good and I hope he gets with a team that will show that to the rest of us!!!!! Instead of their Rainhoe warrior and their cheatin non american bastard always getting the glory!!!
Seeing Dale JR make the top 10 kicks ass!! It is his time and now owning all the rights to his image and name proves he is becomming the man we all knew he could be! Mark Martin is always a great guy to root for...his only problem..he is toooo passive, but maybe that is what I like about him! The Biff is a good guy too, I am just waiting to see Jarrod on the hood of his car! OH I do wanna say this....that crash that Gordan took last week....That just proved that the new safety devices they have installed in the cars, drivers and track do pay for themselves!!!!
Rounding out the field is the usual suspects minus one...Tony is back there in what 17th? Does it bother me, hell no....he has proven himself over and over again!!!!
OK that is enough chatter for this week. Sorry it has been so long, but there ya go!!! And for a kick ass rant about the #48 car and how much of a lil bitch he is got to Judys myspace rant
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=63065347&blogID=128765545&MyToken=85bf603c-22c4-4b09-a970-ff7498be52cf
Just goes to show....when you are a little bitch you are a little bitch!!!!
Boogity Boogity Boogity!!!!! GO SEE CARS!!! Shan
Pics of kids
Because he loves his photo taken and all! LMAO
I have tried to explain to Z that Lane will be right there all his life! LOL
This is Lane Shelby and Regina after their riviting preformance!!! LMAO!! The guitar and Mic are what Anna and Reg got Lane for his birthday!!
Gotta love these kids...when they are actually having fun and not trying to kill one another!
Can you tell she took it herself...wow look how mature she looks these days!!!!
They call themselves the "H" Posse! You get an apple if you figure that one out!!! I was awfully proud!!!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I KNOW I KNOW
Yes I realize I have been a shit and haven't posted in a while! yes I got distracted by myspace!!! Which isn't finished yet. LOL
OK News...lets see...
1 Got my highspeed hooked up! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!
2 Ended up with Lil Bit back...and she is preggers...gee wonder why they brought her back?
3 Zach comes home this weekend!! Woo Hoo! can't wait!!! miss my lil man!
4 there isnt! LOL Nothing goes on here it just sucks!!!!
Anyways here are some pics of the kids!!! Hope y'all enjoy!!! I will bitch about things laters....right now I need to study! Hasta Shan
OK News...lets see...
1 Got my highspeed hooked up! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!
2 Ended up with Lil Bit back...and she is preggers...gee wonder why they brought her back?
3 Zach comes home this weekend!! Woo Hoo! can't wait!!! miss my lil man!
4 there isnt! LOL Nothing goes on here it just sucks!!!!
Anyways here are some pics of the kids!!! Hope y'all enjoy!!! I will bitch about things laters....right now I need to study! Hasta Shan
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Saturday!
Well what a week this has been! Changes happening all over the place and things could not have been nuttier!!!! Someone asked me when I was going to actually breakdown....not that little bits and peices of emotion....just let it all poor out.....
Sorry to all of you who expect that of me...maybe it is life maybe it is that I don't want too!!! I dont' feel that my mother deserves my tears anymore!!! I know shitty I know mean...you can say what you want but when it comes to where I came from...there just isn't much emotion there anymore...indifference! Yes I know I am full of shit.....but at this point till I get though all of this.....it will have to be indifference! Later I will deal with the emotions that come along with it all! BUT as for now.....they will stay hidden! It is better that way!
I honestly appreciate the people who apologized for not taking this thing as serious as I was! For apologizing and saying what they thought...that I was overreacting......I do appreciate that NOW you recognize just how serious this is!!!
I really have put a lot of thought into pleaing out of this. Just to make it stop! But as DJ said....it isn't me! IT just isn't me to take the blame for something I know I didn't do!!!! I have never been one to take injustice and I don't want to start now! Honestly I am going to see what my lawyer has to say about the whole deal...and if I have to I will go to trial...I dont' want to do that though! Honestly I don't! I want it to be done!!! I want MY LIFE back! You know that life that doesn't have judges and lawyers in it! That life that cops aren't a threat...LMAO That life where I can be the mom my kids have always known! Not the mom that has to find somewhere for them to go because she might be going to jail!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want me back!!! I want for Debby to stop controling my life!!!!! I want her words to go away and for me to be done with her! I want to mourn my mother, you know that mom I had from 1976-1984! Not the mom post '84! And the only way to do that is for this to be over with! DAMN IT I was doing so good before this!!! I was happy well sorta but my unhappiness is something I created! NOT anyone else!! Minus that one!
Now onto that ONE person whom I don't want to have anymore to do with! I spoke with him about that! I did make it clear to him that she no longer gets my help! She no longer gets my respect! Calling him yesterday morning...HOURS after I was suppose to have her watch the kids, and played dumb!!!! He knows it I know it and I am sick and fucking tired of it! I am sick of her shit! I am sick of her give me give me give me and getting NOTHING but grief in return! All he can say is OH I am gonna let her know I am mad and what she did was wrong and I said and she is gonna go one of two ways...Oh I am sorry she never called, which is a lie lie lie lie lie lie!!! And he knows it he tried calling her...or she is gonna get pissed and say fuck you which is something he can't handle!!! FUCK! I am screwed either way! Do you know how many times I have considered telling him it is either me or her! But what good would that do? Not a damn bit! NOT ONE BIT!!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO I don't feel better!!! Anyways...on the bright side.....I got my high speed and I will be super fast come Wednesday! The kick ass part didn't have to pay anything up front!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!
Better run! Shan
Sorry to all of you who expect that of me...maybe it is life maybe it is that I don't want too!!! I dont' feel that my mother deserves my tears anymore!!! I know shitty I know mean...you can say what you want but when it comes to where I came from...there just isn't much emotion there anymore...indifference! Yes I know I am full of shit.....but at this point till I get though all of this.....it will have to be indifference! Later I will deal with the emotions that come along with it all! BUT as for now.....they will stay hidden! It is better that way!
I honestly appreciate the people who apologized for not taking this thing as serious as I was! For apologizing and saying what they thought...that I was overreacting......I do appreciate that NOW you recognize just how serious this is!!!
I really have put a lot of thought into pleaing out of this. Just to make it stop! But as DJ said....it isn't me! IT just isn't me to take the blame for something I know I didn't do!!!! I have never been one to take injustice and I don't want to start now! Honestly I am going to see what my lawyer has to say about the whole deal...and if I have to I will go to trial...I dont' want to do that though! Honestly I don't! I want it to be done!!! I want MY LIFE back! You know that life that doesn't have judges and lawyers in it! That life that cops aren't a threat...LMAO That life where I can be the mom my kids have always known! Not the mom that has to find somewhere for them to go because she might be going to jail!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want me back!!! I want for Debby to stop controling my life!!!!! I want her words to go away and for me to be done with her! I want to mourn my mother, you know that mom I had from 1976-1984! Not the mom post '84! And the only way to do that is for this to be over with! DAMN IT I was doing so good before this!!! I was happy well sorta but my unhappiness is something I created! NOT anyone else!! Minus that one!
Now onto that ONE person whom I don't want to have anymore to do with! I spoke with him about that! I did make it clear to him that she no longer gets my help! She no longer gets my respect! Calling him yesterday morning...HOURS after I was suppose to have her watch the kids, and played dumb!!!! He knows it I know it and I am sick and fucking tired of it! I am sick of her shit! I am sick of her give me give me give me and getting NOTHING but grief in return! All he can say is OH I am gonna let her know I am mad and what she did was wrong and I said and she is gonna go one of two ways...Oh I am sorry she never called, which is a lie lie lie lie lie lie!!! And he knows it he tried calling her...or she is gonna get pissed and say fuck you which is something he can't handle!!! FUCK! I am screwed either way! Do you know how many times I have considered telling him it is either me or her! But what good would that do? Not a damn bit! NOT ONE BIT!!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO I don't feel better!!! Anyways...on the bright side.....I got my high speed and I will be super fast come Wednesday! The kick ass part didn't have to pay anything up front!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!
Better run! Shan
Friday, June 02, 2006
HELL HELL HELL
OK I know I havent been to clear on what the hell is going on with me....so here goes the very short of the very long of it.....
Back in 1999 my mother met some man off the internet from New Hampshire...well they came up with this plan to meet in C-Bus OH....at some gas station.....well they never met up there....she and my sister were living with me in Shawnee OK! Well long story short on that....she ended up missing my sisters first day of Jr High and I had to buy her school supplies at midnight the night before school started, and she went back to Joplin MO to meet this man!
They get back to my house the next day she calls me at work and I said no way in hell is this man I dont know staying in my house.....she says well Iwill get you back for this.....AND WOW did she!
She showed at my house a few days laters smacked me down to the ground, mind you I am a 22 year old mother of three with all my kids in the house, and she hold me down, spits in my face smacks me a few more times and BOOM it is over, DJ picks her up and puts her out....
Well sometime after this apparently this man beat her....the cops are called and she tells them I did it! I didn't fucking touch her....I spent years and years and years getting my ass beat and never touched her!
Anyways.......I unknown to me, was charged with assult and battery and malicious destruction of property.....which I didn't do!
I just found out about this a couple of months ago and found out that there was a bench warrant for me.....so on May the 8th I went and had that lifted and got a court date for yesterday....I wasn't able to gain an attorney in any way shape form or fashion! The judge gave me 30 minutes to get my kids somewhere and get a bond, he was revoking my bond for violating a court order.....not sure exactly what order that was because in the US you can represent yourself...not something I would recommend but when all else fails!!! Anyways....I freak get it all done and he lets me go...approves me for a court appointed attorney and my next court date will be July 6th! Which I can't be here for but the lawyer can ask for a trail by jury or non jury if needed! And I dont' have to be there!
Hopefully it wont' go that far! I am hoping they will take one look at this and realize my mother is dead they have no one to testify and there may be pics but that is it...that doesn't prove anything!!!! I didn't do this and I could have plead out yesterday and had it done...BUT I am not going to do it...I didn't do this and I am not going to take the blame for it!!!!!
So that is my life as it sits right now! I have never felt more like the scum of the earth than I did yesteday!!! It sucked so bad, and to have the Mistress of Satan piss out of me....well lets just say....that put the cherry on the top of my Shit sunday......Watching my kids bawl and freak over the thought of having to watch Mommy go to jail, when they know mommy didn't do it....listening to my daughter gasp in the court room and having everyone turn and look at her....it was like my whole life was on display! Thanks Winnie for putting your Grandchildren though more shit!!!! TYPICAL....hope you NEVERMIND you are not worth another thought!
DJ ended up getting his load changed and being there with me! No I haven't totally broke down yet, I did kinda yesterday, but I just won't...she doesn't get my tears anymore....just aint happening!!!! All her photos and things are put up...I dont' want to see her or think about her! Yes I know some people are going to tell me that is not good!
I will let these people know this...I spent 27 years being held in her prison! Yes she actually told me more than once I can be your friend or I can be your warden! And all I wanted was a mom!
All I have ever wanted was NORMAL parents! Someone to love me regardless.....and she might have and Yano she told me once before she died.....that no matter what she does to me I will always love her because she is my mother! Well....I may love her, in a fucked up warped kinda way, but I do not like her at all!
Years and years and years of abuse and in the end, there never was an Im sorry....there wasn't even a warning that this was going to happen!!!! She did get the last word...being dead!!!! So typical!
Yes I will find the humor in this some day I am sure! But right now I am full of hurt and anger and discontentment for her! I will forgive someday I know I will.....But today isn't that day!
Anyways there it is!!! love hugs and all that good stuff to everyone who called and was there for me yesterday!!! I dont know what the hell I would have done without y'all!!!!!! I learned yesterday that people do actually give a crap!!! Crazy as it was...NONE of them were MY family! Not my sisters, not my aunts not my grandparents not my uncles......NONE of them bothered to find out...Just my friends, and DJs family!
I want to say a special thanks to Monte and Brenda for coming to get the kids for me and calming them down! I dont know what I would have done if y'all hadnt been there! Thanks!!! Shan
Back in 1999 my mother met some man off the internet from New Hampshire...well they came up with this plan to meet in C-Bus OH....at some gas station.....well they never met up there....she and my sister were living with me in Shawnee OK! Well long story short on that....she ended up missing my sisters first day of Jr High and I had to buy her school supplies at midnight the night before school started, and she went back to Joplin MO to meet this man!
They get back to my house the next day she calls me at work and I said no way in hell is this man I dont know staying in my house.....she says well Iwill get you back for this.....AND WOW did she!
She showed at my house a few days laters smacked me down to the ground, mind you I am a 22 year old mother of three with all my kids in the house, and she hold me down, spits in my face smacks me a few more times and BOOM it is over, DJ picks her up and puts her out....
Well sometime after this apparently this man beat her....the cops are called and she tells them I did it! I didn't fucking touch her....I spent years and years and years getting my ass beat and never touched her!
Anyways.......I unknown to me, was charged with assult and battery and malicious destruction of property.....which I didn't do!
I just found out about this a couple of months ago and found out that there was a bench warrant for me.....so on May the 8th I went and had that lifted and got a court date for yesterday....I wasn't able to gain an attorney in any way shape form or fashion! The judge gave me 30 minutes to get my kids somewhere and get a bond, he was revoking my bond for violating a court order.....not sure exactly what order that was because in the US you can represent yourself...not something I would recommend but when all else fails!!! Anyways....I freak get it all done and he lets me go...approves me for a court appointed attorney and my next court date will be July 6th! Which I can't be here for but the lawyer can ask for a trail by jury or non jury if needed! And I dont' have to be there!
Hopefully it wont' go that far! I am hoping they will take one look at this and realize my mother is dead they have no one to testify and there may be pics but that is it...that doesn't prove anything!!!! I didn't do this and I could have plead out yesterday and had it done...BUT I am not going to do it...I didn't do this and I am not going to take the blame for it!!!!!
So that is my life as it sits right now! I have never felt more like the scum of the earth than I did yesteday!!! It sucked so bad, and to have the Mistress of Satan piss out of me....well lets just say....that put the cherry on the top of my Shit sunday......Watching my kids bawl and freak over the thought of having to watch Mommy go to jail, when they know mommy didn't do it....listening to my daughter gasp in the court room and having everyone turn and look at her....it was like my whole life was on display! Thanks Winnie for putting your Grandchildren though more shit!!!! TYPICAL....hope you NEVERMIND you are not worth another thought!
DJ ended up getting his load changed and being there with me! No I haven't totally broke down yet, I did kinda yesterday, but I just won't...she doesn't get my tears anymore....just aint happening!!!! All her photos and things are put up...I dont' want to see her or think about her! Yes I know some people are going to tell me that is not good!
I will let these people know this...I spent 27 years being held in her prison! Yes she actually told me more than once I can be your friend or I can be your warden! And all I wanted was a mom!
All I have ever wanted was NORMAL parents! Someone to love me regardless.....and she might have and Yano she told me once before she died.....that no matter what she does to me I will always love her because she is my mother! Well....I may love her, in a fucked up warped kinda way, but I do not like her at all!
Years and years and years of abuse and in the end, there never was an Im sorry....there wasn't even a warning that this was going to happen!!!! She did get the last word...being dead!!!! So typical!
Yes I will find the humor in this some day I am sure! But right now I am full of hurt and anger and discontentment for her! I will forgive someday I know I will.....But today isn't that day!
Anyways there it is!!! love hugs and all that good stuff to everyone who called and was there for me yesterday!!! I dont know what the hell I would have done without y'all!!!!!! I learned yesterday that people do actually give a crap!!! Crazy as it was...NONE of them were MY family! Not my sisters, not my aunts not my grandparents not my uncles......NONE of them bothered to find out...Just my friends, and DJs family!
I want to say a special thanks to Monte and Brenda for coming to get the kids for me and calming them down! I dont know what I would have done if y'all hadnt been there! Thanks!!! Shan
Thursday, June 01, 2006
OK so I lied! I am scared to death!!! I am nervous I have been running around all morning like a chicken with no head.....I am scared I can't get a hold of the MOS so I am gonna have to take the kids!!! Which isn't something I wanted to do! I have to do this by myself because DJ is God knows where...so much for promises...but you bet your ass he made sure he was here for his shit next week!
OK I am done with that...I want this to be over today....I can let my mother go and go on with my life!!! Hopefully today will end it all and I can say goodbye!!!!
So NOTE to all my wonderful friends who have talked me though this thing........if I got off the deep end I am sorry!!! Depending on the outcome of todays deal depends on what I am going to do!!!!
Honestly I shouldn't be surprised that NO ONE in my family has thought to pick up a phone and say hey are you ok? If I was half as selfish as they were I would have well never mind! I am done with it all!
OK I am gonna go....need to get ready! Laters!
OK I am done with that...I want this to be over today....I can let my mother go and go on with my life!!! Hopefully today will end it all and I can say goodbye!!!!
So NOTE to all my wonderful friends who have talked me though this thing........if I got off the deep end I am sorry!!! Depending on the outcome of todays deal depends on what I am going to do!!!!
Honestly I shouldn't be surprised that NO ONE in my family has thought to pick up a phone and say hey are you ok? If I was half as selfish as they were I would have well never mind! I am done with it all!
OK I am gonna go....need to get ready! Laters!
Big Day
Today is the day! I go back to court today....gotta see what is gonna happen with that...yes I am VERY nervous...very scared and I dont know what I am gonna do or what is gonna happen! I have to admit that rescheduling all of it has ran though the brain more than once, since I don't have a lawyer and I don't know what is going to happen!!!
Sucks when you know and the rest of the world knows you didn't do anything wrong, and the ONE person that could say NO NO NO she didn't do this...is dead!!! Oh better idea...take the blame for all the bull shit you pulled on us growing up and becomming adults! Yeah well that isnt gonna happen either!!!!!!
I am hoping since there are no facts to be presented and there is no one to testify for the state this will all GO AWAY!!!! At least that is the plan!!!! I will keep ya posted!!!! SAY A PRAYER!! I am gonna need it!!! Shan
Sucks when you know and the rest of the world knows you didn't do anything wrong, and the ONE person that could say NO NO NO she didn't do this...is dead!!! Oh better idea...take the blame for all the bull shit you pulled on us growing up and becomming adults! Yeah well that isnt gonna happen either!!!!!!
I am hoping since there are no facts to be presented and there is no one to testify for the state this will all GO AWAY!!!! At least that is the plan!!!! I will keep ya posted!!!! SAY A PRAYER!! I am gonna need it!!! Shan
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