Stranger in the World

As many of you know I have spent the better part of my adult life married. Married to someone that NO ONE would have ever put me with...LMAO I wouldn't have put me with!
With all that said...he isn't that bad of a person, and does whatever it takes to make me happy! But I also learned years ago that I cannot expect him to be like me because he isn't! He is content with his world! I on the other hand have always felt like I dont belong! Those of you who know me best know how this has been a struggle for me.
I tend to over think everything and when I don't over think it I under think it! Like I told DJ yesterday if the world worked the way I think it should...well we would be in much better shape! All of us would! BUT since being a world leader is such a stressful job and a job that requires you get on a plane and leave the confines and comforts of home more than you stay there that isn't gonna be me!
SO the only world I have some control over is my own that I live in!

With all that said....I have been having a hard time with my world as of late. I wished this was some sort of brain fart PMS bull shit that I would get over quickly...BUT it isn't! Been over the PMS for a week or two now and I still feel the same, and had to admit I was feeling this way WAY before the lastest bout of PMS....SO with all that said
I am seriously unhappy with the way life is going and I have to stand up and change it...how exactly I am gonna do that...I don't know yet. I want to be happy...I want that contentment that I see in him and how happy he is....right now...I don't have it and I have been searching for it!

I once had a wise man tell me that I was searching for the impossible, Perfection, and unless I think I have it I won't ever truly be happy! And ya know what he is right! I have spent my entire life trying to be the perfect everything, child, wife, mom, friend, person! Because that is what was expected from me for a while from my mother...then that fell to the way side BUT I pick up on it! If I am not perfect at it all I am shit! And I have done this to myself!!!! I have to be the best of the best of the best! STUPID as it sounds if that isn't the case I feel like a faluire! And failing isn't an option!

SO I am not going to do this to myself anymore. I am gonna stand up and change things....starting with this fucking house! I hate this house...BUT it is affordable and I can manage it...just gotta figure out how! So today starts the day when I transform this house back into MY HOME! There is crap everywhere because I haven't taken the time to clean anything or do laundry in a week or anything like that. That is what happens when you get yourself in that depressed funk and can't break out! SO beginning today I will no longer feel like I don't belong in my own home! I think that is a great place to start!
We have a guy, Keith aka Linus staying with us...which is fine....because it is only a couple of weeks till his house is ready! And I am ok with that...BUT DJ and I need to have some alone time and no not to have sex...there just hasn't been on conversation we have had that hasn't been monitered by someone else as of late! That pisses me off...as most of you know I am a very private person...and I don't share well with others! That is just the honest truth! OK with all this said....

Back to the stranger of the world....Kaci was telling me yesterday not to feel like I can't say a lot about some things like drugs and alcohol abuse because I have never done drugs, Ok well I smoked pot before my kids were born, and I can drink like a fish, BUT I dont' drink that much! I have a complex with it since it was beginning to get out of hand and DJ said I was acting like my mom...and everyone took cover...which I didn't get pissed, he was right, I was acting like her! So I backed off...and in the last well I can't say year before still a year ago we were living in Adrian and I was drinking every night almost! But since we have been in OK I can count on one hand how many times I have drank and I have gotten just plum ass shit faced no times since we have been here! I think I am needing that release! That blow off some steam, but as with everything I am an over thinker and I think there are only a few people I can get that shit faced with! And NONE of them live here! DJ doesnt drink, Keith aka Linus likes to drink, but I gotta have someone I can conversate with and well anyways.....Kaci isn't here...Denise isn't here...Shane isn't here...Anna isn't here...so therefore most of my drinking buds are not here...therefore I don't do it! BUT Kaci is coming I know for sure the week of the 27th because we are going to the Aerosmith concert....and I know we will be doing some drinking then!
OK somehow this went from feeling alone in the world to I need to get drunk! LMAO>....which isnt necessarly the truth! Companionship from people I care about and like to spend time with is something I am really needing!

And the whole not feeling like I belong....well that is a feeling I have had to get used to....feeling like the freak of the group....that is normal for me....I hate it I can't stand it...but it is normal for me to feel totally out of place! That is what makes me me! I have another post I wanna do about age and how it changes a person...but right now I gotta go! TTYahllS Shan