Hi Mom

Two years ago Thursday I lost my mom...well I didn't lose her I know where she is...see I hate that saying I lost someone...no you didn't...they just aren't here anymore...she is in a much better place (I Pray) than this earth! Anyway...last year on the anniversary of her death I wrote out a lot of how I felt...and this year I did the same.....


Two years ago this week my life changed forever! LOL I do believe that is the same words I used last year....only another year has gone.
WOW Mom look at us....look at all the changes a year has made! Our family got bigger, Zachary is 11 years old Mom. 11 to think sometimes that you were there the day he came into the world seems so far away and yet somedays it seems like it was yesterday! So glad it wasn't though!!! LOL And look at Shelby...belly boo! Belly now has boobs! She is me only better! I am so scared of her! She is so perfect yet to much like me to be all messed up sometimes! She will be everything I always dreamed of, and then some! And Lane...the one you were there for, which by the way, DJ is now so glad that he wasn't there! He talks like he is 15 and he is only 6! 6 what an age...I remember 6....I remember you helping me learn how to read and add....not sure who taught who what!
And look at mini mo.....Japan of all places. Well mom you always said that she would go places....and be something....how did ya know? She is confused about life 99% of the time, but she contines to live it in the best possible fashion! She is learning herself and becomming a very wonderful woman!
Neice....she has her own place now...she has her own boyfriend who is actually NOT a loser for a change! He is a good guy....I miss her most....I miss the afternoon talks I miss the laughing in each others laps and watching TV....I miss pissing her off by starting the vaccum cleaner next to her bedroom door at 8am! LOL But most of all I miss the way her face looks when she talks about you!
And me....well you see me everyday....I can feel you when I am messin up. I can hear you say my name when I am feeling low! I know you are still here somewhere. I know you watch over us....and I know you know how mad at you I have been! How you lost your place on the pedistal when I found out about what you had done to me way back when! And how pissed I was thinking you were haunting me! And I know how you were with me the night DJs mother said that stupid shit to me! And I hope you have messed with her for good measure! I have spent the last few months NOT thinking about you or talking about you and being pissed at you...what for? Who does it hurt? ME that is it...ME....and Lord knows I would never let you hurt me! LOL You were right Mom...no matter what you ever do to me I will still love you because you are my mom! You are not allowed the pedistal anymore though...that place is reserved for no one! But I cant spend the rest of my life pissed at you! Although I could fake it well! It does no one any justice! Your memory deserves better.
I can say I am sorry that you don't have a stone yet...I guess I have put it off for so long because I am scared to do it! I am scared to put a stone there...it would mean you are really gone...this way you are still here! I haven't said good bye yet...and I am not sure I am ready too. I know I should for everyone else! Oh and to send Peggy over the edge would be so funny! (sorry amanda) Not really I pray she has come to terms with it all! I am not sure Amanda and Denise are ready either. They haven't said anything to me about it! Not sure if they ever would....some day mom....someday!
What have I learned from you not being here.....hmm....a lot actually. For one I cannot be big sis and mom at the same time...I can only do one or the other...and I chose big sis. I like it it suits me better! LOL And I am sorry girls...brain fart!
Secondly...there is no one on the planet that can take your place for any of us. We have to be happy with the short time we got and move on...and that moving on this is WAY easier said than done. There is no one that can be you....or even come close...although DJ runs a pretty close second when it comes to calling me out!
Thirdly, I hurt more for your parents and my sisters than I do me. I knew you...maybe better than anyone...just as Zach knows me I knew you! I can't BS him and you sure couldn't BS me! But I do think of your parents daily....I wished I could have more time with them....I wished my life wasn't so complicated and busy so I could take those moments to know them...and my other grandparents...they are really all I have to know who I am! Or at least where I came from not so much who I am. And the girls....I cry for them because they didn't know the mom I knew. The mom before the pain...before the alcohol, the mom who made me hot chocolate every day after school, the mom who called me shany all the time, and is still the only one allowed to call me that! Although it is nice sometimes when Uncle Jimmy says it!
I now understand why you were the way you were...and ironicly I think Denise understands you and her father more now than she ever has! He is a difficult man....way to complicated to understand and kudos to you for trying. I now understand the love you had for Kevin....love like that only comes once in a lifetime...and I pray that you two have found one another...for all of our sakes. I also understand your stubborn pride when it came to my grandparents and I say thanks for letting go of that long enough to let me know...although it just confused me more and still does to know them. I am not them....although DJ swears I am a perfect mix of both of my grandfathers! A cut up who can intimidate the crap out of anyone with charm and wit out the wazoo! HAHA..what does he know!
And lastly I have learned that I love ya mom....no matter what....messed up as things were...they were ours and they were comfortable....and YOU made them that way....WE made it that way....all of us....things aren't the same and they never will be. Christmas will suck to a point from now on...I will sooner or later get out of that funk...even though I faked it a lot better last year than I did this! (Sorry about not getting the village up just couldnt make myself) I learned that you were an amazing woman...though all your pain and hate of the world, you did the best you could with us...and being a parent is the hardest job in the world. And not wanting to rip your kids apart at moments is a hard thing not to do! HA! I now understand why you were so hard on me....same reason I do it to Shelby....just in a different way. You loved me..I made you Mom...just as Zach made me mom! And the cycle will continue. I now understand why those times I thought you were being a wretched hateful person...you were just loving me enough to NOT let me make a mistake I would regret forever! (think that is called being a mom) Everyone should realize that about their parents way sooner than they do! Thanks mom....for doing your best.....
Look at us now....I would love to hear what you think. I know people say you would have been so proud, and I have ever heard from others that you were proud, but in typical Mom fashion you walked out before you told us that! Sorry that was a cheap shot....yeah ok so there are still some things I need to work out when it comes to you and me! I have so many questions for you...mainly....the memories I have been having lately...are they real? What is heaven like and what did ya have to do to get there? Is my father there and has he seen me? Just a few questions.
To my family......maybe this will become a tradition...maybe it wont....seems to help...and I hope it helps y'all! Grandma and Grandpa...I miss you two so much every day...it is hard to see you though....it is hard enough to look in the mirror but when thetwo people you look at mirror right back at ya...it is hard. Please know that my keeping in touch and seeing you more often has nothing to do with not wanting too...please know that if it were up to me we would all live in a compound like rich ass snobs!!! Aunt Mary....I am not even sure what to say to you....we haven't spoken much this past year....who knows why...we are both selfish pain filled snots! Sometimes it is easier not to speak! I do wanna say that I love ya so much.....and please know that all of everything you tried to do to help mom, she appreciate...she was just so filled with her own pride and self she couldn't show it and God forbid big sis ask for help from little sis....as a big sis I understand that! But she loves you...and longed to be like you, she just didnt know how to be her first! Shawn and Shane....gee wow we haven't spoken in two years....God has a plan for all of us and sharing DNA must be ours! HAHA! Momma thought you two hung the moon! And ya know in some small way....ya did! I know she looks down upon who you both have become and smiles. What men you are!
And Uncle Jimmy.....you shit....(yes I am cussing) no one break down and freak on me...after all it is Jimmys fault I cuss! HAHA!!! I love ya and so did mom...in her own way. I don't think I could ever say how...and honestly whatever happened between the two of you to cause such hot blood...it died with her..you were so right about that! I thank you for having to courage to stand up and speak what you had to say a couple of years ago without the worry that she would rise just to mess with ya!!! I wished like you wouldn't believe that you could watch my kids grow up like you did me and Jayme! (little baby factory) But I also understand why you are where you are! I pray your hopes and dreams come true!
To the two most important gals in my world....amanda...wow that is all I can say when I think about you! And don't forget where you came from...deep down inside you are just a little hicky girl who grew up in podunk Texas! Like it or not....please don't forget who you really are in your world travels! And Denise Renee....I know you better than anyone here....and I still love ya! HA! You make me proud...you are smarter than you give yourself credit for! You aren't just the baby anymore! You have learned how to be a woman...that brings tears to my eyes! I wished they could all see ya the way I do! I wished we could all see each other like I do!
I may be a butt when it comes to keeping in touch, but every night I pray for all of you...YOU are where I came from. Grandpa...I love ya....and you did the best ya could with mom....I know that..and when it came down to it you didnt fail her! Grandma....she used to complain about taking you to town every other Wednesday....but she would not have had it any other way! A girls mom is so important but please know so is her grandma!!!! I love ya!
SO lift your glass....Here's to Mom...where ever she may be this evening...lets hope she is with Kevin and in a rocker on the porch on the mansion on the hill! ROCKIN to AC/DC!
I love you family!
Shany
PS sorry for any typos....my spell check isnt working so I might not be so smart! LOL