January 5 2004

Three years ago this morning my life changed forever. I got the call that my mother died. I haven't cried today...I dont' know why...last night my sis called and I know she wanted to talk about it, but I refused. Am I in denial? I don't know. Maybe I am just spent when it comes to emotions lately! I don't know. Maybe I am just too busy with my own life to worry about things I cannot change. I usually write a letter to all my mothers siblings and her parents on this date, but today I am not. I am done with it. Don't get my wrong I love my mom still...I just maybe have accepted it...Hell I dont' know. Maybe today just isn't that big of a deal. Maybe tomorrow I will loose my mind, maybe tonight I will have a mental melt down...shoot who knows. I do know that I have made a decission and I am going to do my darndest to stick with it.... Today I am going to quit smoking. Not that that had anything to do with my mothers death...BUT It might have a lot to do with my own and it is time. I was doing really good with it a few years ago I had almost made it 5 days...but then the rug got pulled out. And the doc said NOPE you can't stop right now...You will send your brain into overload....so I didn't! Am I scared You bet your ass I am! I haven't ever done something this life changing before...at least well I have but you know what I mean. You may ask why today of all days.....And I say why not? A new year doesn't have to begin on the 1st! I learned that a few years back. Sometimes it happens a few days later. OK Now that I am writting this I am beginning to get a little emotional......OK I am over it. Let me explain something.....the day my mother died my life turned into something I had never had before. I became an orphan. I no longer had parents. Neither did my sister Amanda, so I not only became the big sis but somewhat of a Mom to my other sister too. Not that I didn't already have that after all she had been living with me for a few years. I became the leader of the pack so to speak and felt the pressure of it. I have finally came to terms with it and my anger is gone when it comes to it. I mourn the loss of my mother not so much for myself but for my sisters. She saw me get married and have children. She saw that I could be a pretty damn good person and I grew up. Amanda wasn't even 20 yet and Denise had just turned 18! It isn't fair that they won't have our mom at their weddings to bitch about the guy they are marrying! LOL Or to have her there when they go into labor for the first time. Or to have her voice say to them...You aren't a kid anymore...You are a mom! That is what I mourn more than anything. My kids will have vague memories of her, but theirs won't have any at all. Their husbands will never know what kind of mom or mother in law she was. Granted she wasn't the greatest, but I have learned now that I am older....We all make mistakes, and her mistakes weren't any worse than anyone elses....She just didn't know. Seeing how her family handled her death, and us from that point on I can see where a lot of the anger came from! I would have been pissed off too! OK Well I am rambling. LADEDADEDA! LOL Mom whereever you are....I love ya...I miss ya...I pray you are in heaven with Kevin! I pray that you can look down upon all of us girls and laugh with my father at my children! And know that that is your legacy! That we are good...we will survive! And the only reason that will happen, is because you made us that way! Love ya mom! Shany! " name=Body>
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January 5, 2004
Three years ago this morning my life changed forever. I got the call that my mother died.
I haven't cried today...I dont' know why...last night my sis called and I know she wanted to talk about it, but I refused. Am I in denial? I don't know. Maybe I am just spent when it comes to emotions lately! I don't know. Maybe I am just too busy with my own life to worry about things I cannot change.
I usually write a letter to all my mothers siblings and her parents on this date, but today I am not. I am done with it. Don't get my wrong I love my mom still...I just maybe have accepted it...Hell I dont' know. Maybe today just isn't that big of a deal. Maybe tomorrow I will loose my mind, maybe tonight I will have a mental melt down...shoot who knows. I do know that I have made a decission and I am going to do my darndest to stick with it....

Today I am going to quit smoking. Not that that had anything to do with my mothers death...BUT It might have a lot to do with my own and it is time. I was doing really good with it a few years ago I had almost made it 5 days...but then the rug got pulled out. And the doc said NOPE you can't stop right now...You will send your brain into overload....so I didn't! Am I scared You bet your ass I am! I haven't ever done something this life changing before...at least well I have but you know what I mean.

You may ask why today of all days.....And I say why not? A new year doesn't have to begin on the 1st! I learned that a few years back. Sometimes it happens a few days later. OK Now that I am writting this I am beginning to get a little emotional......OK I am over it.

Let me explain something.....the day my mother died my life turned into something I had never had before. I became an orphan. I no longer had parents. Neither did my sister Amanda, so I not only became the big sis but somewhat of a Mom to my other sister too. Not that I didn't already have that after all she had been living with me for a few years. I became the leader of the pack so to speak and felt the pressure of it. I have finally came to terms with it and my anger is gone when it comes to it. I mourn the loss of my mother not so much for myself but for my sisters. She saw me get married and have children. She saw that I could be a pretty damn good person and I grew up. Amanda wasn't even 20 yet and Denise had just turned 18! It isn't fair that they won't have our mom at their weddings to bitch about the guy they are marrying! LOL Or to have her there when they go into labor for the first time. Or to have her voice say to them...You aren't a kid anymore...You are a mom! That is what I mourn more than anything. My kids will have vague memories of her, but theirs won't have any at all. Their husbands will never know what kind of mom or mother in law she was. Granted she wasn't the greatest, but I have learned now that I am older....We all make mistakes, and her mistakes weren't any worse than anyone elses....She just didn't know.
Seeing how her family handled her death, and us from that point on I can see where a lot of the anger came from! I would have been pissed off too!

OK Well I am rambling. LADEDADEDA! LOL

Mom whereever you are....I love ya...I miss ya...I pray you are in heaven with Kevin! I pray that you can look down upon all of us girls and laugh with my father at my children! And know that that is your legacy! That we are good...we will survive! And the only reason that will happen, is because you made us that way! Love ya mom!
Shany!